15 Destructive Lies Gay Men Tell Themselves

15 destructive gay men lies

Here are a list of lies you need to stop telling yourself

By: John Hollywood

Happiness is a state of being that remains elusive for many gay men. Some of this relates to cultural issues, such as discrimination and rejection. Other reasons for unhappiness can be traced to understandable mood issues, such as anxiety and depression.

But to keep it real – obtaining happiness remains out of reach for many of us because we continue to play a mental tape of lies in our heads that’s negative and damaging.


The truth is all of us want happiness. We also want health, inner peace and love. But these can only happen when we let go of our expectations about how our life should unfold.

Instead of attaching timelines to your goals and lying to yourself about why your dreams never came true, maybe it’s time to rethink everything from the inside out.

You can live a happy, meaningful life but not until you recognize the 15 most damaging lies you may be telling yourself.

15 lies gay men tell themselves

1. When I have a boyfriend, I’ll be happy

Happiness will never come from the person attached to your arm. You cannot receive what you do not possess. Focus on cultivating happiness from within.

2. I’m not doing enough with my life

You are doing exactly what you should be doing at this very moment in time. Stop playing the game of comparisons and tearing yourself down.

3. I’m a failure because I’m not rich

Release the expectations of how you think your life should be and start focusing on what you have right now. You cannot create wealth if you don’t practice simple gratitude.

4. If I hookup with a hot guy, it means I’m attractive

Hooking up certainly has its benefits but if you are regularly using sex to prove something to yourself, you are defining what it means to be attractive with a false narrative.

5. I’ll get to it tomorrow

The both of us know that this one is the default lie we tell ourselves as an excuse for inaction. Stop procrastinating so that you can celebrate the reality of: “I did it!”

6. No one gets me

Sorry to break it to you: everyone on the planet thinks this. Stop isolating yourself and using this one as an excuse for not putting yourself out there. It is your uniqueness that makes you interesting, not the other way around.

7. I’m not hot enough

This is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves and is perhaps the most destructive. Here is the deal – nobody is ever “hot enough”. That’s because as a subculture, we have a tendency to focus on perceived flaws instead of strengths. Look in the mirror, you are a lot more beautiful than you think.

8. I will be alone forever

If you keep telling yourself this lie, you will continue to make this your reality. Instead of repelling love away, turn your attention inward (see point #1).

9. I can’t trust myself

Your inner voice is perhaps the strongest tool you have in your arsenal of personal empowerment. But if you keep playing a mental tape of learned helplessness, you will continue to sabotage yourself and any prospects for the future.

10. My parents are to blame for my situation

Whatever your parents may have done to you no doubt was painful. But if you keep living in the past, you are allowing them to continue hurting you. You can break that pattern today by learning to live in the here and now.

11. If he really loved me, he would (fill in the blank)

Whenever you put a condition on another person, be it a friend, lover or family member, you set yourself up for disappointment. True love is organic and spontaneous. When you give yourself love, you become less needy of others.

12. Expecting perfection from another man

Yet another lie that destroys more same sex relationships than you might imagine. Let go of your unrealistic beliefs about the ideal man. It’s a fantasy – he doesn’t exist. Nobody is perfect. That includes you.

13. I don’t know how

At the moment, this one may be true. It becomes a lie when you have the ability to learn something new but choose not to. How long will you continue to buy into this destructive narrative?

14. I don’t fit in

What exactly is it you don’t fit into? While it’s true we live in a community that often uses labels, the ultimate label you attach to yourself is the most important. How are you defining yourself?

15. If I were straight, I’d be happier

The lie in this statement suggests that one has to be straight in order to be happy. It’s simply not true. Rather than mourn the person you aren’t, why not celebrate the person that you are!

  • Daniel Robbins

    These are all amazing points and many are lies that I myself have told in my head repeatedly. Hard habits to break but it is good for someone to point it out once in a while so we have a point of reference when trying to build new behaviors