Gay dating can sometimes suck. But not always
Gay dating can be a sh*t show. Plain and simple. Yes, sure, it can be fun when you’re newly single. But when you’ve been single forever, and you just want a guy to snuggle up and watch Netflix with — then no, dating is not fun.
You get excited about the prospect of a good first date. You get dressed up. You even put on your sexy underwear because who knows? You don’t usually go all the way on the first date, but maybe with this guy, there’ll be magic and you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.
Then you commute on over to whichever overpriced restaurant you both agreed upon, only to learn he looks nothing like his profile pictures and is as interesting as a piece of cardboard.
That’s the thing about dating. It’s so often filled with mediocrity and disappointment. At least if the date goes terribly, it’s a funny story. But most of the time, dating is just meh.
And consistently meeting guys who are meh, can create what psychologists call learned helplessness, which is the fancy psychological term for when you feel like no matter what you do, you’re going fail.
Your fate is inescapable. You think this because every time you tried previously, you failed. Therefore, you stop trying altogether, and just let the crappy things happen to you. We, as gay men, develop learned helplessness all the time dating.
You tried meeting a guy at a bar. You tried on Tinder, Grindr, Scruff, Surge and every other dating app you can think of. You even listened to your mom’s advice and took a yoga class in a hella gay part of town. STILL, no guys. No nothing. It seems like everything you do is doomed for failure.
When this happens, it’s tough not to wallow in self-pity, drinking two bottles of wine by yourself while you watch some guilty pleasure late 90’s rom com. (Wait, She’s All That is streaming on Netflix right now?)
But hold up. Before you give up hope and become a crazy cat lady, here’s how to keep your chin up, when all the guys you’ve met have been duds.
1. Change your mindset: Have low expectations without self-sabotaging
When you think that this is the first date to end all first dates, odds are, you’re going to be disappointed. You need to have more realistic expectations, but at the same time, you need to give it your all.
While this may sound paradoxical, it’s absolutely possible. The thing that happens though, is that men lower their expectations but then also lower their performance on the date.
And by this, I mean, they don’t think anything good is going to happen, so even if the perfect date was right in front of them, they can’t see it. You need to still give the man in front of you all your attention, along with all your charm.
But then, if things don’t go well, not be disappointed. It’s definitely a tough mindset to have, but if you can master it, you’re golden.
2. Keep dates close by
The bar across the street is good. There’s nothing worse than going on a mediocre date 50 minutes across town. When the date is by your apartment, you don’t feel like you wasted your whole night. Just an hour at most.
3. Hook ups are not the enemy
I know so many men who advertise on their dating profiles that they’re looking for boyfriend and will settle for nothing less. Now that can work, don’t get me wrong.
And you can find someone who is also not looking to casually date, and together, you two can U-Haul it on the second date. But for most guys, even guys that are looking for a boyfriend, it’s a huge turn off.
It adds a lot of pressure, and also imposes an invisible time limit. Things need to escalate, in a certain way, in a certain amount of time, or it seems like you’re going to bail. I can’t tell you how often I’ve dated men, and we met by hooking up a few times. Before we knew it, we were dating.
You can meet guys in nontraditional settings. You can meet guys through hooking up. Pump the brakes slightly, and see where things head organically. You can’t force or rush a relationship.
Use these three things, and you’ll be able to hold your chin high after a bunch of mediocre dates. Don’t be too discouraged. Keeping putting yourself out there. Change your expectations, and you’ll be able to find a guy.
By: Zachary Zane