By: Mark in Chicago
One of the things I love about summer is camping – particularly when it’s a canoe camping trip! Given that GPB channels an outdoors vibe – with talk of people hooking up in caves – I thought it might be fun to share a true story about how I gave my boyfriend a BJ on a canoe in Wisconsin!
And let me tell you guys – there’s nothing like draining your man while he’s busy steering! OK, here’s what happened.
It was the summer of 2015. My boyfriend and I (his name is Robby) desperately wanted to get out of Chicago. Don’t get me wrong, we love the city but between the months of June – August, this city can be a madhouse! Between the endless street festivals, lakeside events and out of town tourists, Chicago’s population swells to ridiculous numbers.
But where could we go? The answer to that question might surprise you!
The both of us were totally against traveling to another big city. Think about it – New York and LA during summertime get crowded, too. Plus, we have a dog. If you’ve got a fur baby like us, you know it’s important to plan ahead for them.
Because our goal was to get away from it all, we decided to get in touch with our Midwestern roots and head to the woods. Specifically, I’m talking about Lake Delton up in Baraboo, Wisconsin!
I’m from the land of Cheese and know this area well. Robby had never been there before but loves camping. And the best part was we could easily bring Parker (our dog) with us. That little monster loves the outdoors!
But my guess is you aren’t reading this story to hear about our pooch. Instead, you likely want to know what went down (no pun intended) in that canoe! Well, I’m going to tell you. Just typing it out now makes me kind of hot!
After we drove up to the Baraboo, which is just about 10-12 miles outside of the Wisconsin Dells, we checked into our cabin. Yep, up there, you can rent them right on the lake. What’s more, many of these places have canoes that are included as part of your stay.
Now before continuing, I need to tell you that Robby HATES public sexy scenes. He disliked them back in 2015 when he was 35 and still doesn’t like them as he nears 40. Do you have a boyfriend or husband like this? Oh, man, isn’t it a drag?!
Well, let me tell you. The reason a lot of guys don’t like it isn’t because they aren’t into it. Instead, they fear getting busted! To me, that’s just part of the danger and fun. How about you?
OK, I’m babbling. Here’s how things exactly transpired.
The second day of our trip, we decided to check out a canoe and paddle around Devil’s Lake Park. I’m here to tell you that if you go there, you’ll see some of the most beautiful landscape this side of Chicago. It’s got natural rock formations, small flowages and if you play your cards right, an occasional sighting of a real American Bald Eagle!
So, there we are, heading under a bridge and paddling our tails off. Parker was in between us, looking around at all the scenery and sometimes sticking his tongue in the water for no reason because that’s what dogs do.
Apparently, I wasn’t shepherding the canoe to Robby’s liking because at some point, the tip of our canoe grazed against a rock. To me, I thought the shit was funny but Robby got all bent out of shape. “Watch it Mark – or we’ll capsize!” I remember him saying.
That’s when I turned around and asked him if he wanted to trade places. And it’s also when I made my move. You see, the best way to get a man to shut is pothole is to focus his attention elsewhere, which is exactly what I did.
Just as we were heading around some brush, I slowly made my way back to the middle of the canoe. Completely pulling it out of thin air, I asked him if he’d spilled something on his green cargo shorts. He hadn’t. But that didn’t stop me from getting super close for an inspection.
“Hey, man what are you doing?” he said to me as I ran my right hand around the bullshit stain that wasn’t there. “There’s people around – what about Parker!” he cried.
Guys, there was NOBODY around. Well, maybe a few birds flying overhead but that was it. He’s always been overly dramatic.
Wanna know something else? Robby was also completely consumed with paddling that f*ing canoe and steering it clear of rocks. If you’ve ever been canoeing, you know that the currents can get mighty strong. You’ve got to use all your strength to avoid problems.
That’s why unzipping his shorts and pulling them down was so easy! He couldn’t stop me, otherwise the canoe would be rudderless. And what was Parker going to do – lick me?
As I started to work on him, Robby was at first hesitant. But in about 60 seconds, he was all about getting drained on the water, literally. The only problem we encountered was when we turned a corner by Parfrey’s Glenn and some people were off in the distance on a “John Boat”.
Yes, it’s likely they saw me doing my thing. There’s not a lot of places to hide on a canoe, even crouched down.
But I didn’t care and at this point, neither did Robby! I just kept doing my thing. And I kept doing it until I drained him out like I was siphoning for oil. When I was done, Robby looked at me and said, “Are you happy now?”
Yeah, I was. Big time! And while he didn’t admit it at the time, so was he. Maybe that’s why after I jumped back up to the bow and picked up my paddle again, Robby didn’t criticize me again once. Funny how that worked out, huh?
To this day, we still talk about our fun out on Devil’s Lake in Baraboo, Wisconsin. Writing this story now in fact makes me want to plan another trip up there in August. I think Robby should steer the canoe this time while I take command aft.
Even though my boyfriend hems and haws about outdoor sexy time, I bet you ten to one he’s down again. This time, it’ll be his turn to return the favor.
Hope some of you city boys go canoeing this summer. It’s a hoot 🙂