I can only ejaculate if I bottom
Kenneth in New Jersey
I can’t believe I’m writing this but here it goes. I’m a 35-year old gay man that can’t ejaculate unless I’m being f**cked! That may sound crazy to you but it’s absolutely true.
It wasn’t always this way for me. I’m being serious. There was a time when I could release without much effort. In fact, I used to be the guy that would say, “I’m ready whenever you are” and could even time it.
Back in my 20’s, it was fairly easy to fountain my geyser. And anal activity wasn’t necessary for that to happen. Believe me when I say that I don’t consider myself a power bottom. I’m actually very versatile.
Basic, vanilla things, like oral stimulation, used to do the trick. Crap, even a quick hand job could pump out that white gold.
But not anymore. The truth is unless I am riding a guy, nothing is going to happen.
At some point over the last two years, my ability to release became limited. It seems the only way I can erupt is when I’m sitting on top of the mountain. Yes, I am using metaphors here but you get my drift.
Want to hear something weird?
It has to be the real thing! In other words, squatting on some piece of rubber silicone (no matter how life like) won’t do the trick. And watching different kinds of video, no matter how hot, still can’t make the waters flow.
I recently went to my doctor for a full checkup. He did every test under the sun. They all came back fine. He also conducted several tests on my prostate. Everything was A-OK.
In fact, he said I’m in very good shape all around.
We ruled out medication causes, like anti-depressants, because I’m not on anything. And because I don’t use party drugs, except for an occasional whiff from a brown bottle, we knew that wasn’t the problem.
Related: Amyl nitrate (poppers) and gay men
Unable to offer a medical reason for the issue, my doc suggested that I visit a sex therapist. It was his belief that something psychological was going on.
And so that’s exactly what I did.
The specialist I’m working with thinks that I’ve subconsciously tied my ability to ejaculate to backdoor penetration because deep inside, I have self-esteem issues.
What’s more, he feels the part of my brain that activates the “switch” for volcanic eruptions requires a masculine presence, which he says is “manifested through phallic control”.
According to him, something traumatic may have happened to me earlier in life that for whatever reason, has triggered repressed feelings in the here and now.
In some ways I kind of agree. I’ve always struggled with issues surrounding self-esteem. To me, it’s easier to exude confidence as a bottom than it is a top.
Hey, I’m not saying bottoms aren’t confident so please don’t jump on me. Again, I’m speaking from personal experience.
And since we’re on the topic of bottoming …
My therapist and I have been looking at my sexual patterns. One “theme” (his words) that’s emerged is the types of guys I bottom for. I never gave it much thought but he may be on to something.
In the past, I was DTF with just about anyone that was cute. But in recent years, I’ve gravitated towards older, harrier, masculine men. In fact, these types of guys are about the only ones that can get me to splooge.
One of the things that came up in our last session was when I was in grade school, I was bullied. Not to get too deep into this but let’s just say that it wasn’t unusual for me to be called f**got and queer.
On more than one occasion, my uncle Mike would visit the school to have a word with the principle. In case you are wondering why it was him and not my dad, the answer is simple. My pops passed away when I was two years old.
Because we are a close family, my uncle would sometimes step in to take his place.
And here’s the thing about my uncle Mike. I was very attracted to him.
You probably think I am sick for saying that but just trying to keep it real. Back when I was in grade school, he was in his early 40’s and super handsome. He was also very built, which makes sense because he was a brick layer.
I can still remember him coming over to our house for dinner and being mesmerized by his hairy chest. Not that he showed it off or anything. But it was kind of hard to miss when he was wearing an unbuttoned flannel.
When you are a little boy and gay, you notice these kinds of things. It’s weird because deep inside, you know what you are feeling is different from other kids – but are attracted none the less.
How many of us knew we were “gay” before we even realized what that word meant?
But I digress.
In case you are wondering if my uncle sexually abused me, I can assure you he didn’t. My therapist wondered the same thing but after several sessions – with some involving hypnosis – he feels confident it never happened.
However, he does think I harbor a Dorian fantasy, which apparently is based on the ancient Greeks. Who knows, it’s probably true. In any event, he’s encouraged me to think of my uncle Mike through the lens of symbolism rather than literally.
According to his theory, masculine guys who are inside of me act as a kind of mental permission slip to splooge. They have to be confident, which rescues me from my own screwed up feeling of self-esteem.
Apparently, my need to feel the real thing inside me satiates a deep hole where a healthy self-concept should exist. And somehow, I’ve become dependent upon penetration to feel good about who I am.
It kind of makes sense, don’t you think? To me, it totally rings true.
One thing that has helped on the margins are the homework assignments he’s given me. Basically, my therapist has asked me to read a book on self-hypnosis and engage in mental imagery.
The goal is to train my mind to relax so that I can release without having to be topped. And so part of the work I am doing now is visualizing other activities that don’t involve riding guys out.
For now, I’m still unable to ejaculate unless I’m being jackhammered. Hopefully, this will change in the future. I’d really like to get back to a place where I can do more.
Am I the only one who has ever experienced this problem? Do you find it difficult to release unless a guy is inside of you?
Thanks for reading and for GPB for publishing.
Do you have a personal story you would like to share? Make your pitch to the blog!