I’ve Been Dreaming About Sex with My Boyfriend’s Ex

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Sexual dreams about boyfriend’s ex lover 

By: Adam (34)

I feel like a complete douchebag writing this because it’s so awful. Oh well, I guess I better just come right out with it. Over the past several months, I’ve had vivid dreams about having sex with my boyfriend’s ex.

The dream is always the same – we’re in a cave with lots of sunlight pouring in. We start making out and before I know it, he’s laying backside against a rock and I’m topping him.

The worst part is the passionate nature of the dream. There’s a lot of kissing and deep eye contact.

It doesn’t happen every time but I’ve occasionally woke up and discovered I’ve ejaculated.

I’ve only met my boyfriend’s ex two times. He’s an attractive man so I won’t deny that. But I don’t really know him (if that makes sense).

Why am I having this dream? To me, it seems like there’s more going on than mere attraction? Does this mean I want to have sex with him?

PS: I’ve been with my man for 2 years and I love him very much. Feeling guilty.

Dr. John Responds

Hi, Adam,

Thanks for sharing. As weird as this may sound, the dream you are experiencing isn’t all that unusual. In fact, it happens more than you might think and not just for gay men.

I’ll try to walk you through some of the imagery with this sequence and point to possible symbols as part of the dynamic. As we continue, just bear in mind that dreams can’t be taken literally. Instead, they speak to metaphorical themes.


Dreams About Boyfriend’s Ex

When a man dreams about his partner’s ex, it usually speaks to a general curiosity more than wish fulfillment. In other words, your mind may be wondering what did my boyfriend experience when with his ex?

Comparing yourself to your man’s previous lover may sound unhealthy but it’s also very human. Some gay men have reported having dreams about threesomes with a current boyfriend and ex (link).

This is called merging. Here, the mind combines known knowledge about a person or situation and uses confabulation to fill in the blanks.

I’m wonder how much you compare yourself to others during waking hours? Do you question if your partner is satisfied with you sexually – and emotionally?

Just something to think about.


Caves in Dreams

In your dream, you mentioned that the sex acts always take place in a cave with sun pouring in. There may be a reason for this.

Symbolically, dreams about caves almost always speak to safety. In other words, your mind is providing a private place that is away from the eyesight of others.

And it’s worth pointing out that caves also speak to sexuality. Being paired with a mate in a cave indicates sexual control and mastery. Notice you were topping him; a symbolic sign of dominance.

More: What it’s like hooking up in a cave!

In terms of the sun shining in, it’s hard to know the exact meaning. At the very least, it could be your subconscious metaphorically illuminating your dreamscape.

Passion and Dreams

The final piece I’ll speak to relates to the high level of passion you mentioned in your dream. You said there was kissing and deep eye contact.

I am wondering if part of you feels there is a component of romance missing from the relationship with your boyfriend? If the answer is yes, could it be your mind is trying understand why?

Sometimes, through subconscious projection, a familiar person will appear in dreams in the form of a teacher. Is it possible you think your boyfriend and his ex shared an intimate relationship?

Assuming that’s true, could your mind be trying to emulate that?

Wrap Up

My sense is that part of your dream relates to natural curiosity about what your man saw in his ex. It’s also possible you feel an emotional disconnect from your guy and you are trying to figure out why.

Don’t feel guilty for having these dreams. It’s better to embrace them from a place of acceptance. In my experience, the more we push back against something deep inside, the more powerful it becomes.

It might be a good idea to pick up a dream journal and start writing down some of the other images you see while sleeping. This may help with deciphering what’s going on.

Write back and let us know how things are going!

Dr. John is a licensed psychotherapist and contributor to GPB. He specializes in men’s issues. Visit his profile to learn more.

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