Signs your boyfriend is a control freak
There’s a fine line between cute, creepy and controlling. But how do you know the difference? Can you get so “hooked on his look” that it blinds you to his true persona? If so, what should you look for to make an accurate assessment?
The answer to these questions is somewhat complicated. Much depends on your relationship history, life lens and approach to dating and love.
But here’s what I know. It’s human nature to overlook toxic personal behaviors of others we find hot. I know I’ve done this before. How about you?
More: Gay dating deal breakers
And here’s the thing guys – some traits are not indicative of a fun-loving playfulness. Instead, they’re invisible warning signs of a deeply rooted personality problem embedded in his psyche.
Here, I’m talking about men who wear a mask of charm but underneath, are extreme control freaks. Sometimes classified as borderline or histrionic types, these individuals are incapable of trust and will end up making your life a living hell.
I don’t want this for you – or for anyone. That’s why I’ve written this piece. Here are 8 things your boyfriend does that may suggest he’s an insecure, obsessive control freak. Some of these may some obvious. Others may make you pause and think.
Read them all to fully absorb their deeper meaning.
1) He’s really touchy-feely with you when you’re out in gay spaces
On the surface level this sounds kind of nice, right? You’re holding each other’s hands, or you’re touching each others legs under the table. And in moderation, this is nice. But if this is happening all the time, I’d be willing to bet that he’s worried that you’re going to get snagged.
The hand holding and all the other touching is a calculated move. In essence, he’s attempting to communicate to other guys, “Back off. He’s mine.”
Another thing he may do that’s related to this is bring up that you’re his boyfriend within 10 seconds of every conversation. Whenever I hear a guy force that factoid into the conversation, I know he’s insecure about his man’s fidelity.
2) Inquiring more deeply about “hot guys” they perceive as threats
On the surface, it just sounds like he wants to know more about your friend. Isn’t that sweet? He’s trying to remember all the guys you hang out with! This may be true, but if he only seems to be asking this about all your “hot friends” then you know something is up.
He’s jealous, insecure, or something else. If he asks if you guys ever dated, that’s when you know he’s feeling really threatened. But most guys would be smart enough not ask that question if they’re feeling insecure, as it too obviously reveals their insecurities.
3) A pedantic or disingenuous “Proud of you”
If someone says they’re proud of you, that’s usually a good thing, right? No. Often times it’s not. Gay men love to give these conceding, “Proud of you” compliments. You can tell it by their belittling tone.
What they’re doing is demeaning your “so-called” accomplishments, by humoring them. Now I’ve never had a boyfriend do this to me, because I honestly think I’d tear his head off right then and there, but I have had friends do this to me. (I then proceeded to tear their heads off right then and there.)
There’s also a different type of disingenuous “proud of you.” Now this proud of you differs because it’s not that he doesn’t see your accomplishment as an accomplishment, but you can tell that he’s not thinking about you.
He’s making your accomplishment about himself and is worried that he’s not doing enough, or that his career isn’t moving fast enough, or whatever the case may be. This type of man can never be truly happy for you, because he is too concerned with himself.
4) Stalks you on social media
Aww, that’s cute. He likes every single one of my photos once they’re posted immediately. Wrong.
This is a red flag!
This is especially the case if he starts asking you questions about what people post on your wall. “Why did he write that?” “Who was with you in that picture?” Consider it a form of stalking.
5) Constant checking in
“What time are you going to be back tonight, I’m hungry and want to go out to dinner soon.” That’s a fine text. “When you getting back tonight? I’ll probably be asleep by then.” That’s also fine.
But the constant, “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?” This is one of the oldest and biggest red flags in the book. Drop his ass if he’s pulling any of this possessive, insecure bullshit. You don’t have time for that.
6) “You’re so my type.”
So this is a little bit of a mixed bag. In one sense, it’s nice because he’s saying he’s attracted to you. But in another sense, he’s fetishizing you, and likes you because you are [insert race here] or [insert body type here].
The thing is, it’s fine to be attracted to a person initially because he’s your type. But then you should be remaining with him, because you like him for more than his X.
You like his personality, his humor, his smarts, and all that other good stuff. So if 6 months into the relationship, he’s still about how you’re his type because of the color of your skin, I’d call that a red flag. He doesn’t see you for you. He sees you as breathing fetish.
7) When he goes on about how his past BF broke his heart
“Isn’t he so sensitive and sweet? So in tune with his feminine side and his emotions?” No… he’s just not over his ex or there are some deeply unresolved issues surrounding his past boyfriend that he needs to work on prior to dating you.
8) When he gets a little too drunk every time you go out
God knows the gays love their cock(tails). We are big drinkers. There’s also a very high prevalence of alcoholism among gay men. We’re roughly three times more likely to be alcoholics than straight men.
So just make sure that he’s actually a fun drinker and his heavy drinking under control, rather than a high-functioning (or low functioning) alcoholic.