My Gay Boyfriend Refuses Monogamy Because I Gained Weight

my boyfriend won't be monogomous because im fat

I’ll never forget the look he gave me when he saw a larger me at the train station. All because I gained weight.

By: Anonymous

It began with a text. He needed an hour to talk about some “serious things” impacting “our future.”

I was nervous. For an entire year, I had hoped he would make a commitment. If truth be told, I wasn’t mentally ready to give up my job, friends and nearby family. I stalled but ultimately caved in.

What he actually had to say was much different than I had originally anticipated.

“I’m still in love with you,” he said. “But I have to be honest – the weight you’ve put on in the last couple of months is making it hard for me to be monogamous.”

I almost died.

“I can’t see us being exclusive because I need to feel extremely attracted to a guy for that to happen,” he continued. “I’ve been struggling with how to tell you this and decided it was just best to come right out with it.”

I can honestly say I never felt as ugly and unattractive in my entire life. My boyfriend had basically just called me fat. In the process, he obliterated our relationship.

Related: I’m a gay fat man and I don’t feel welcomed at pride

Before we had met, I did what a lot of gay men do and created an online dating profile with the hopes of meeting someone new. After a number of good and bad experiences, I thought I had finally found someone who could be a keeper.

I connected with Dave on a number of levels. It seemed the two of us were on the same page emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He was bright, articulate, funny and charming.

No, I’m not saying he was perfect. But he did hit all of my buttons and I thought I did the same for him.

When we had sex, we both talked about how hot it was – even magical. It seemed like we both had known one another our whole lives. Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be when you meet your soulmate?

We chatted endlessly on video apps and it was no time before the two of us were making plans to meet, even though we were hundreds of miles apart. Let me tell you, those first few weekend visits were the stuff of fantasies, at least for me.

But then I got sent on a work assignment with my employer that caused me to be away for nearly three months. Without telling you who I work for, I can say that my job is in the news industry and I’m required to travel for extended periods of time. I’m behind the scenes just so you know – not on camera.

During those three months, I gained weight. Not a lot – just a few pounds. But I didn’t have the cut up body Dave was accustomed to.

We kept in touch during my time away and did things long distance couples do, like talk about daily events and on occasion, have cyber-sex. I should have known something was up when he said to me once: “Is that a little rolly polly I see?”

Once my time away had ended and I was free to go visit him. I had put on a total of seven pounds. It wasn’t the weight that was so bad but instead, the flabbiness.

When you’re traveling for work and with people all day long, it’s very difficult to get to a gym.

Related: Fat shamed on a gay cruise

I’ll never forget his face when he came to pick me up at the train station. I don’t have any other way to describe it except to say “disgust”. On the drive back to his condo, I remember the silence. The shit was just awkward.

We tried to make love two times but it didn’t work. I could tell that he just wasn’t into it. It’s hard to believe that gaining weight over a few months would have this kind of affect but apparently, it did.

He claimed that he was tired and was getting over a cold but I knew better. Call it homo intuition but I knew.

Then, a few weeks later, after he cancelled a planned trip to my home because of “work”, he laid it all out: He couldn’t be monogamous to me because of the weight gain and because I was no longer as sexually attractive to him.

It’s hard for me to even describe how devastated I was. Even as I type this on my laptop, it still stings.

laptop computer gay fat

On some level, I do understand where he is coming from. We are either attracted to someone or we aren’t.

As a couple, I recognize that we had never enjoyed the traditional customs of two people who were together on a regular basis. Long distance relationships often contain their own unique twists. And it’s kind of uncommon to spend months apart when you are just starting out.

A lot can happen with your body over 90 days. You can gain muscle by hitting the gym hard or in my case, pack on several pounds because you couldn’t work out or eat right.

He wanted to be monogamous with a six-pack – not somebody who was slightly flabby and had a hint of a muffin top.

I knew that the weight was a small setback when I tried putting on a pair of underwear and they fit a little snug. I never thought for a second that it would cause him to feel less attractive to me or tear away at what I thought was a solid relationship – even if it was long distance.

The crazy thing is that I’m not some out of control fat pig.

Related: Gay man fat shamed by a jock at the gym

I got super depressed. It was my own fault for thinking he’d be fine with the body changes. Still, I felt like the rug was pulled right out from under me when he finally said it to my face. How stupid am I?

I forgot that many gay men are totally about physical appearance. Once the looks start to go – even slightly – you are yesterday’s news.

Somewhere deep inside, Dave must have felt like crap. He tried to make things better by using cute talk and making jokes. But whatever vibe we once had going was dead.

gay fat

I keep wondering to myself what would happen if I lost the weight and got my abs back? Would he suddenly be ready to commit? And what if the pounds came back again? Would he pull the same crap after promising monogamy?

I honestly thought he had been attracted to all of me, not just my body. Man had I read the entire situation wrong for pretty much an entire year.

Had a buddy of mine come to me for advice on this kind of situation, I would have told him to dump the asshole. But life isn’t some stupid sitcom and date-worthy men don’t come along every day.

Related: Gay man called fat right after a hook up

It would be a total lie to say that I have moved on because clearly, I have not. And to make matters worse, I still entertain thoughts about trying to make things work again – on his terms.

We’re not exactly dating right now but we’re also not officially broken up. It’s just a totally messed up situation. The one thing I do know is that my weight is going to yo-yo in the future.

It just is.

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  1. That is wrong because “love” truly tends to be unconditional and constructive. If this guy had loved his partner he would try to help him with the weight issue in a constructive way. Not behaving in a way that was inherently selfish and destructive.

  2. I had all sorts of sympathy for you and your affection for that narcissist, (hint, he’s not in it for you, or the couple that is “you”, so you should just move on); that is, right up until you used the phrase “fat pig”.

    Obese humans are humans, not swine.

    • You are a dick dude. He obviously is talking about what the other guy made him feel like. Stupid SJW PC cop.

      • I wasn’t trying to be, but that viewpoint has a devaluing effect that is harmful. The idea that this person considers obese people as “fat pigs” (verbatim), either implied, expressed, or as experienced, still speaks to their own personality. During the entire time their already present self-image issues speak throughout the blog.

        That leads me to believe that someone like them would stand beside me and think to themselves, “at least I’m not as fat as that pig”. Grand assumption indeed, but it’s what lead me to believe that in the realm of body shaming the writer is only a few steps away from the “bad guy”.

      • I bet when he submitted his article for publication the editor cleaned it up for him a little bit. What you didn’t read was: “The crazy thing is that I’m not some out of control fat pig like some of these guys out here are. Have you seen some of these guys! Some of these guys need their own area code! Some of these guys got rolls, and then some! Whew! Disgusting some of these guys!”

  3. I was all set to remain sympathetic until the line;

    “The crazy thing is that I’m not some out of control fat pig.”

    In one fell swoop the author denigrates and blasts out judgement of bigger people at the same as wailing about his excessively superficial (now ex) boyfriend over the sake of 7 lbs of weight.

    Half a stone is not worthy of a page of woe is me. You’ve certainly outed this Dave as one of the most shallow people to walk the face of the earthy but by the same vein, the second you saw him for what he was over half a stone was the second you needed to walk away and move on, it’s not enough of a physical change to write an article about based on the body shaming gay men are capable of. There’s no real depth to this. It’s horrible that you’ve been through this but you should be saying “This over a 7lb difference? See ya!” And that’s it. You can shift 7lbs in the space of a week. It doesn’t need looking at in depth.

    If your weight gain was like 2 or 3 stone and above then fair enough, you would be right to be mortified, but for 7 lbs? And to then refer to bigger people in your wailings as “out of control fat pigs”. Seriously.

    • I think you are mistaking what he is saying. The way I took it, the author is that is how he was made to feel by his boyfriend. Interesting how you picked up on that one comment and took it personally. Maybe more a reflection of you? If you give someone “all sorts of sympathy” don’t qualify it. You either give it to them or not. I am very overweight and I didn’t take his remark as offensive.

      • It wasn’t offensive. Understand what you’re reading. “Out of control fat pig” represents a contradicting ideology. What if this guy who claims to have lost his “gay boyfriend” were some out of control fat pig? Would he not have been deserving of your sympathy? Sounds like you were sympathetic with conditions attached — so you can stop pointing your fingers Miss “Care” bare.

        Some of you are really missing the point by focusing on the fact that he said it was only 7lbs as if more weight than that wouldn’t be acceptable to bother us for compassion. All this just to call yourselves caring and sympathetic. Tsk tsk.

      • I hope you aren’t an American. Because populations that end up with Presidents like George W Bush Snr and take people like Donald Trump seriously enough to have a good chance at becoming president don’t get to make sweeping generalisations about people from other countries.

  4. First of all you gotta appreciate the dude’s honesty. At least he told you straight up rather than just running around on you and slowly disappearing. But let this be your lesson in relationships and appearance: if appearance is that important, you’re screwed!

    7 pounds can be carved away in the gym in a month. What if you were in an accident? Badly burned? Attacked and beaten? Your looks can be destroyed in an instant. How long were you planning on being together? Hair grays and falls out. Nobody looks the same at 50 as they did at 25 much less 35 and 70.

  5. As a person who is overweight, I can identify with what you wrote. Years ago, when I was in shape, I dated a guy who did something like this to me. We were taking a shower and he said, “When’s the last time you worked out?”
    I knew he was talking about my belly. Over time, he started to drift more and more away. He finally just came out and told me at the end that my weight gain was just too much for him. I probably should have noticed the hints. But I was in my 20’s and stupid.
    Sorry this happened to you. The guy sounds like a real loser anyway.

  6. That’s not cool he did that to you. If that’s your pic I would date you in a minute.

    I’ve only been out two years now and I can see how messed up the gay community is. I bet he never was interested in you and that’s he’s getting off on the side.

  7. Only 7lbs heavier and your suddenly unattractive? I don’t see how 7lbs heavy makes a person that much more unattractive. To me this sounds like a safe way of saying to you he is having sex with others and the weight is an easy way of letting you down slowly and away from exclusive commitment … He sounds like a jerk to me. Put you in a place of ugly, then your to blame. That sh$t sucks donkey d*ck and is a shame. There is definitely someone out there for you no matter what your size or physical feature. The dating game is never easy, Your always going to find people swiping along your profile like their searching a menu. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to meet people and be you. Go out there with pride holding your head high and saying ” F#ck that mother f#cker shaming me and my body because he can’t keep his d$ck in his pants!” Do you! Get the man you deserve, and kick him to the curb! Don’t let anyone make you feel shame for a few extra pounds, the moment they do, they’re not out for your best interest and only being toxic for a specific reason. ( like telling you your not attractive to justify sex with others ) Get rid of him!

  8. The author needs to kick his bf to the curb. He does not need a jerk like that anyway. You can’t even see 7 lbs weight gain on a person. Gimme a break. I gained weight and my husband likes me more now. Love should be unconditional. Face it, hardly any of us get through life looking hot all the time.

  9. This is not about you gaining wait, this is about Dave coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want to be monogamous at all, ever, with any partner, no matter what they look like. He is still in denial of that and chose to blame it on your very minor wieght gain. Some men are just not wired to be monogamous regardless of how much t is programmed into us by our families and society. Be thankful you found out so soon in the relationship, now you have to make a choice; is monogamy that important to you or is Dave?

  10. Are you Satan or just his best friend. Probably one of the worst fat shaming comments I’ve ever read. You are a case in point in what’s wrong with the gay community.

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