I’ll never forget the look he gave me when he saw a larger me at the train station. All because I gained weight.
It began with a text. He needed an hour to talk about some “serious things” impacting “our future.”
I was nervous. For an entire year, I had hoped he would make a commitment. If truth be told, I wasn’t mentally ready to give up my job, friends and nearby family. I stalled but ultimately caved in.
What he actually had to say was much different than I had originally anticipated.
“I’m still in love with you,” he said. “But I have to be honest – the weight you’ve put on in the last couple of months is making it hard for me to be monogamous.”
I almost died.
“I can’t see us being exclusive because I need to feel extremely attracted to a guy for that to happen,” he continued. “I’ve been struggling with how to tell you this and decided it was just best to come right out with it.”
I can honestly say I never felt as ugly and unattractive in my entire life. My boyfriend had basically just called me fat. In the process, he obliterated our relationship.
Before we had met, I did what a lot of gay men do and created an online dating profile with the hopes of meeting someone new. After a number of good and bad experiences, I thought I had finally found someone who could be a keeper.
I connected with Dave on a number of levels. It seemed the two of us were on the same page emotionally, mentally and spiritually. He was bright, articulate, funny and charming.
No, I’m not saying he was perfect. But he did hit all of my buttons and I thought I did the same for him.
When we had sex, we both talked about how hot it was – even magical. It seemed like we both had known one another our whole lives. Isn’t that the way it is supposed to be when you meet your soulmate?
We chatted endlessly on video apps and it was no time before the two of us were making plans to meet, even though we were hundreds of miles apart. Let me tell you, those first few weekend visits were the stuff of fantasies, at least for me.
But then I got sent on a work assignment with my employer that caused me to be away for nearly three months. Without telling you who I work for, I can say that my job is in the news industry and I’m required to travel for extended periods of time. I’m behind the scenes just so you know – not on camera.
During those three months, I gained weight. Not a lot – just a few pounds. But I didn’t have the cut up body Dave was accustomed to.
We kept in touch during my time away and did things long distance couples do, like talk about daily events and on occasion, have cyber-sex. I should have known something was up when he said to me once: “Is that a little rolly polly I see?”
Once my time away had ended and I was free to go visit him. I had put on a total of seven pounds. It wasn’t the weight that was so bad but instead, the flabbiness.
When you’re traveling for work and with people all day long, it’s very difficult to get to a gym.
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I’ll never forget his face when he came to pick me up at the train station. I don’t have any other way to describe it except to say “disgust”. On the drive back to his condo, I remember the silence. The shit was just awkward.
We tried to make love two times but it didn’t work. I could tell that he just wasn’t into it. It’s hard to believe that gaining weight over a few months would have this kind of affect but apparently, it did.
He claimed that he was tired and was getting over a cold but I knew better. Call it homo intuition but I knew.
Then, a few weeks later, after he cancelled a planned trip to my home because of “work”, he laid it all out: He couldn’t be monogamous to me because of the weight gain and because I was no longer as sexually attractive to him.
It’s hard for me to even describe how devastated I was. Even as I type this on my laptop, it still stings.
On some level, I do understand where he is coming from. We are either attracted to someone or we aren’t.
As a couple, I recognize that we had never enjoyed the traditional customs of two people who were together on a regular basis. Long distance relationships often contain their own unique twists. And it’s kind of uncommon to spend months apart when you are just starting out.
A lot can happen with your body over 90 days. You can gain muscle by hitting the gym hard or in my case, pack on several pounds because you couldn’t work out or eat right.
He wanted to be monogamous with a six-pack – not somebody who was slightly flabby and had a hint of a muffin top.
I knew that the weight was a small setback when I tried putting on a pair of underwear and they fit a little snug. I never thought for a second that it would cause him to feel less attractive to me or tear away at what I thought was a solid relationship – even if it was long distance.
The crazy thing is that I’m not some out of control fat pig.
I got super depressed. It was my own fault for thinking he’d be fine with the body changes. Still, I felt like the rug was pulled right out from under me when he finally said it to my face. How stupid am I?
I forgot that many gay men are totally about physical appearance. Once the looks start to go – even slightly – you are yesterday’s news.
Somewhere deep inside, Dave must have felt like crap. He tried to make things better by using cute talk and making jokes. But whatever vibe we once had going was dead.
I keep wondering to myself what would happen if I lost the weight and got my abs back? Would he suddenly be ready to commit? And what if the pounds came back again? Would he pull the same crap after promising monogamy?
I honestly thought he had been attracted to all of me, not just my body. Man had I read the entire situation wrong for pretty much an entire year.
Had a buddy of mine come to me for advice on this kind of situation, I would have told him to dump the asshole. But life isn’t some stupid sitcom and date-worthy men don’t come along every day.
It would be a total lie to say that I have moved on because clearly, I have not. And to make matters worse, I still entertain thoughts about trying to make things work again – on his terms.
We’re not exactly dating right now but we’re also not officially broken up. It’s just a totally messed up situation. The one thing I do know is that my weight is going to yo-yo in the future.
It just is.
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