Why Do I Attract the Same Kind of Men?
As a counselor, gay men often ask me: “Why do I keep attracting the same type of guys?” My answer often takes them by surprise. “Because you keep making it happen,” I tell them. That probably sounds rough and maybe it is.
But there’s actually a karmic reason behind it: We attract what we think we deserve. And what we believe we deserve can usually be traced back to something we witnessed or experienced from early childhood.
I’m going to tell you how to break the cycle of attracting the same men right now. Fair warning: the advice given here isn’t for the faint of heart.
1. Identify your patterns
Before any real change can happen, you need to take a good long look at your relationship history and identify the patterns. Patterns start during the formative years – when we first start to become aware of the bonds we have with others. In most all cases, they follow a blueprint that started in early childhood and have carried on (sometimes subconsciously) to this very moment in time.
For example: If your father was emotionally unavailable (i.e., experienced abandonment, weren’t supported, you didn’t feel cared for) then it is entirely possible this is the way you have been hardwired to attract emotionally unavailable men. In order to stop this unhealthy cycle, you need to recognize the signs of men who are not relationship ready and stop trying to force something that will never be. This leads us to our next point.
2. Stop attracting men that need fixing
When you attract the same type of men into your life, you do so because they’re familiar. For whatever reason, there’s just something about the guy you can relate to – even if it is toxic. And because of unmet needs from your childhood, you can unknowingly get caught up in a cycle of believing that if you just love him enough, you can change him.
I hate to break this to you but guess what – you can’t. Ever.
If you want to end the cycle of attracting the same kind of men into your life, you need to stop connecting yourself with guys who need fixing. You probably already have heard this but it is worth mentioning here: The only person you can change (or fix) is yourself.
3. Own your behaviors
Look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that it is you – and only you – who are bringing the wrong men into your life. For this tip to be successful, it must be accomplished without shaming yourself for past decisions. Nobody willingly wants to date a serial cheater, an abuser, or a narcissist. But when you are hardwired to attract people you think you deserve, the outcome is obvious.
By owning your reality, you set yourself free from being a victim of learned helplessness. You may be wondering what that term means? Well, it’s psycho-babble for situations where a person claims they don’t have the power to change. Does that describe you? If so, I’m here to tell you that the minute you own your shit, you no longer have that card to play.
4. Believe you deserve better
A critical part of breaking your pattern of dating the same men is believing you deserve better. This involves so much more than just repeating some new age mantra. Instead, it means digging deep into your core thoughts and rewriting your narrative through mindfulness based living. How will you know that you have created positive, lasting change in this area? Look at the new people showing interest.
Healthy partners are attracted to men who are confident and have good boundaries. Unhealthy partners are drawn like magnets to guys that have low self-esteem and allow themselves to be used. Again, we attract what we think. If you believe that you deserve a man who is capable of loving you for who you are instead of what you pretend to be, you’ll attract someone amazing.
5. Focus on self-care
One of the most powerful karmic truths in the universe is this: We cannot give what we do not possess. If you do not love yourself, how on earth do you ever expect to attract love? One way you can generate love for yourself is through self-care.
Examples of self-care include saying no to another weekend at the bars that you can’t afford. It means saying no to empty hookups with selfish guys. And self-care means saying hell no to men who want to introduce you to the world of crystal meth, coke or others drugs.
Loving yourself is all about preserving what you have and setting healthy boundaries. This will increase your confidence and paradoxically repel away the types of men you have attracted in the past. When you feel strong physically, emotionally and spiritually, you’ll find a different kind of man knocking on your door.
Submitted by: Guy Counseling and Life Coaching
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