Boyfriends are special for a reason
As gay/bi men, we really like to play the “woe is me” card when it comes to dating. We like to pretend that we’re the only sane gay man out there, everyone else is looking for sex when you’re looking for love, and all the “good ones” are taken.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but this isn’t true. Like, it’s not true at all. Yes, we may face some additional challenges dating that straight men don’t experience.
First, there are less of us, so our options are limited. Second, there’s a gay beauty culture that tells us we’ll never look good enough (and this messes with our self-esteem). Third, we have unlimited access to sex. (No, Grindr for the gays and Tinder for the straights are non-comparable).
This can make it difficult to find men who are looking to date as opposed to hook up. It’s true, straight men don’t have to deal with this.
But on the flips side, they have to deal with heteronormative BS that we don’t have to deal with.
They have to deal with the fact that women feel slutty for sleeping with them on the first date. (Of course they shouldn’t, but society has ingrained that into so many women.)
Gay men, on the other hand, don’t have to wait more than one date (or even 10 minutes) to bone. That’s just one example of the many troubles that come with heteronormative dating. And we should be thanking the heavens that we at least don’t have to deal with that crap.
This all a long way of saying that you need to stop pitying yourself. Gay, straight, or bisexual, there are a number of different challenges that come from dating.
This leads me to my next point. If you are trying to find a boyfriend, you need to be smart about it. So many men I know say that they go to gay bars and clubs, but still haven’t met anyone. So I go out with them.
I notice that they literally don’t talk to anyone. They sit in the corner of the bar, nursing a Bud Light, looking down at their shoes. They then complain that no one came up and spoke to them. “Nobody was friendly.”
It’s as if they magically expected the love of their life to fall into their lap.
Similarly, I have friends who say they’re so frustrated with Grindr because they haven’t been able to meet a guy on there that wants to do anything more than bone.
This truly drives me completely insane. When I tell them Grindr is for casual hook-ups, I receive the same response of, “But I say in my profile that I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I write only men seriously interested in dating should message me.”
This is like going into a Japanese restaurant and asking for a chicken burrito. When they explain to you that they only serve sushi, you retort, “This is a restaurant.
You should serve all food here.” In this (I’ll admit it, awkward and forced) analogy, you’ll see how a restaurant doesn’t serve all types of cuisine. They have specialties.
Something specific that they serve. Just like all gay apps to meet men aren’t catered to meeting a boyfriend. Some are. Some aren’t.
You need to know the reputation of the app that you’re using, so you’re not the poor guy who’s going into McDonalds asking for a Whopper.
Let me clarify. I’m not saying you can’t get a date from Grindr. I’m not saying men haven’t met their future husbands on the app (or similar hook-up apps).
I’m not saying a casual fling can’t become something serious. But what I am saying is you need to be realistic about your expectations, depending on the app that you’re using.
Maybe Grindr was originally meant as a place for hookups and more serious dates. I know they advertise themselves as an app that does both. But you should know by now that that’s not the truth.
The VAST majority of men are on there looking for sex. Not for love. So don’t be surprised, even if your profile says “ONLY looking for a boyfriend,” that you get men who are not looking for something as serious.
If you are looking for a boyfriend, use an app that lends itself more to serious dating. OkCupid definitely does. So too does Coffee Meets Bagel.
Tinder, I’ve noticed, is both. (To keep with this dreadful analogy, I’ll go as far to call Tinder a Japanese-Mexican fusion restaurant.)
Now I’m sure they’re many more apps out there that cater to love as opposed to sex that I either haven’t tried or know about.
But that’s up to you find out.
It’s part of the whole dating game — figuring out which apps work best for what your needs are.
So gay and bisexual men. Let’s be smart about how we date. Let’s stop pitying ourselves. Let’s set realistic expectations, know the reputations of the apps we use, and actually put ourselves out there.
Come on men, we can do this.
By: Zachary Zane