I shouldn’t feel this way but I do.
By: Kenny in Iowa
It’s embarrassing to write this because I know it’s super taboo. But I’m thinking if I get this off my chest, maybe it will help? Here is goes.
I have a crush on my hot uncle and I’m ashamed.
The worst part about all of this is not being able to tell anyone. It sucks because it feels like the more I hold it in, the stronger my feelings get.
It would probably help you to know a little more about me I guess (although there’s not a lot to tell). I’m 21 years old and live in rural Iowa.
Over the past several years, I’ve come to realize that I’m gay. The truth is I’ve always known. But accepting my gayness is different than being aware.
I know a lot of guys reading this will think, “What’s the big deal – you are gay – and?” Normally, I would agree. But because I live in such a Podunk community, it’s not cool to be out or even talk about it.
And that’s why I’m still in the closet – at least for now. Maybe one day in the future I’ll come out when it feels safer, you know?
In any event, since last year, I’ve had a really bad crush on my uncle. It started then because that’s when I met him for the first time. Our whole family did.
You may be wondering why?
Well, to make a long story short, my mom did a DNA test with one of those companies you see on T.V. She’s been working on our family tree forever and figured the test my help her locate missing relatives.
All I can tell you is that it worked. Except not in the way you might think. You see when the results came back, she found out that she had a half-brother she never knew about.
Apparently, my grandfather cheated on my grandmother. He knocked up some woman (I don’t know who she is) sometime when he was in his late 40’s.
After talking to family members and putting the pieces together, my mom confirmed the affair – a family secret that wasn’t supposed to come out.
That kind of happens when DNA shows two people share over 1800 centigrams, which basically means they were half siblings.
I could tell you all about that drama and the sh** it caused in my family. But that’s not what I’m writing about Instead, it’s about my uncle and how I’m really crushing on him hard.
Once my mom worked up the nerve to reach out to him, they decided to meet. His name is Rusty*. He’s 36 and lives one state over in Nebraska. He works on an Air Force base doing “mission support” and is not married.
It wasn’t supposed to be like that. My mom was going to grab him from Greyhound. But because they got the times messed up, he arrived early and decided to make his way to our place on his own.
“You must be Kenny. Your mom has told me all about you. I’m Uncle Rusty!” he said to me as he looked at me with a smile.
In that moment, I just about died.
We chatted for a few minutes. It was surreal and weird, all at the same time. His face looked similar to mine with almost exactly the same hazel green eyes.
And here’s the part that freaked me out (it still does). I was instantly attracted to him. I’m just going to come out and say this – Uncle Rusty is f***** hot. I mean really hot.
Once he got up to dust himself off and shake my hand, I got a good look at him. He’s about 6-foot-tall with wavy brown hair.
He talked with a southern accent; something I later learned was because he was raised in Georgia by his adoptive parents. And he’s built really well because he works out on base.
As I brought him up to the main house and made small talk, I had to watch myself so he wouldn’t catch me staring.
Do you hate me already? It’s wrong, right? But I’m just telling you how it is because it makes no sense to lie.
My mom saw us from the kitchen window and ran outside. Uncle Rusty and her hugged each other for a long time. You could tell right away they were brother and sister.
I don’t know how to explain it – you just could.
Once my dad and everyone else in the house met him, Uncle Rusty settled himself into a spare room. Later that evening, other family members would come by to meet “the surprise” that grandpa had left behind.
I remember that night feeling really exhausted from it all. By the time I went to bed, I was completely cashed. Not only that but I was also worked up. Earlier, I had seen Uncle Rusty in his room unpacking at a time when he was changing shirts.
When you are 21-years old and closeted, seeing a hairy chested, built guy take his shirt off kind of leaves an impression on you.
As I put my head on the pillow that night, I couldn’t shake that image from my head. And that I kept on popping wood only made things worse.
Over the next two days, our entire family got a chance to know Uncle Rusty more. No need to go into it all here but I’ll just say there were moments of genuine awkwardness.
He knew he was adopted and that was about it. He had no knowledge of his biological birth parents whatsoever. That’s why he took the DNA test and uploaded it to the Internet; he wanted to find answers. I can’t say I blame him.
I felt really bad for him. He was like a lost puppy who had found his family. All I could do was think what his life had been like – not knowing anything about his true origins all those years.
When my mom and I dropped him off at the Greyhound station to head back to Nebraska. He gave us both a huge hug and even teared up a bit. I think we all did.
This is where the problems truly started for me. God, I can’t believe I am writing this. F*ck.
Several days after he left, I found a flannel shirt in the hamper. Uncle Rusty apparently had left it behind on accident and my mom had put it there to wash.
Here’s the sick part. I mean really sick. Ugh!
I took his flannel and put it on. When this happened, I could smell him on me. For some reason, it just got me going. Almost instinctively, I went into my bedroom and starting jerking it, sometimes taking a sniff off the shirt.
When it was time for me to c**, I let out a huge amount way over my head.
And I was thinking of my uncle the whole time. I couldn’t help myself.
Since that time, Uncle Rusty has come to visit us several more times. Next year, all of us are supposed to get together for a family trip. Where that is going to be, I couldn’t tell you because it’s all still being planned.
This fall, I’m going to be heading to college. My hope is to become a veterinarian and get off this farm. Maybe move to a bigger city. It’s not like I haven’t been with guys before. I have. I’ve met lots of them in Davenport and Iowa City.
But to this day, none of the dudes I’ve hooked up with can hold a candle to Uncle Rusty. He’s really everything I’ve always liked in a man. He’s masculine and rugged and genuinely has a nice personality.
I wish I didn’t have these fantasies about him but I do. I’m worried that I’m developing feelings for him too. How sick is that?
Maybe it’s a good idea for me not to go on the family trip next year. At some point, he’s going to pick up on this. I’m the worst nephew in the world.
Once I start classes up in September, I’m going to talk to a counselor.
PS: I don’t think my uncle is gay. If he is, I’m really f***d!
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*Name changed to protect identity