I Used Steroids To Keep My Boyfriend and Had a Stroke!

steroid stroke

Then he dumped me for another guy

By: Anonymous

I’m extremely embarrassed to be telling this story but I am going to share it anyway in the hope of helping other gay men who may struggle with self-esteem and body image issues. What you will read about here isn’t pretty so I am giving you fair warning.

Quick background on me: I am a white male that recently turned 50 and live in Southern California. At one time, I was a financially self-sufficient man, owning my own business and earning well into the six figures. I used to workout regularly – a wolf-like “DILF” is what some people used to call me.

Anyway … 

Around five years ago, I went out to a bar one random weekend to hang out with some friends. No different than most single guys might do when they are feeling a bit lonely.



While I was there, a buddy of mine introduced me to someone (we’ll call him Erik) who was probably one of the most stunning men I have had ever seen.

He was built like a brick S-house and looked an awful like Aaron Hernandez who used to play for the Patriots. Yep – he was totally that big except Erik had fewer tattoos, seaweed green eyes and a little shorter. But I digress. 

We got to talking and I found out that he was in his late 30’s and employed as a personal trainer. He also was a semi-professional body builder. Since I was an avid fitness enthusiast and also involved in natural body building, it gave us something in common.

As time went on, it dawned on me that I had seen Erik in video in the “biblical way” (read between the lines here). He confirmed this at some point in our conversation and shared he was active in the field for about 2-years. I won’t bore you with all of the details but we ended up hooking up that very evening.

Steroid needles and pills
Steroids for a Guy

Moving In and Roids

As time went on, we became closer. You know how it goes – one guy starts spending the night at the other guy’s house and pretty soon stayovers turn into entire weekends. After just a few months, we were officially a “couple” and at some point Erik moved all of his belongings into my place.

I knew that Erik was using steroids. There’s just no way a person can get that big without jacking himself up with juice, you know? He would regularly inject himself with drugs like Deca-Durabolin and other anabolics as part of what he called “stacking”. When I asked him why he was doing it, he would say things like: So I don’t look invisible or because scrawny guys aren’t attractive



To pay for the steroids, he would use money he earned from personal training sessions. How often he purchased them is something I will never know – maybe the Internet? What I do know is that at some point, I kind of became his financial daddy because he never had money for rent or anything else. It all went to steroids, supplements, body building competition shows and so forth. But I was so taken with him and afraid of losing him, I just let him use me.

I told you this was embarrassing, didn’t I?

Cheating

After about a year into the relationship, I figured out that he wasn’t being faithful to me. I probably should have known better given my age and experiences but I guess I must have really believed him when we both said we would be exclusive.

The major red flag for me should have been when he wanted to invite his buddy “Ricky” over and for all of us to “hangout”. I’m gay. I knew what “hanging out” meant. Erik wanted the three of us to hookup.

Did I mention that Rick just happened to be a former “star” with a similar build? He was. I figured the two of them might have something going on but chose to live in denial as a coping mechanism. We all played and I ended up being the third wheel. Somehow I knew that was going to happen when I agreed to it.

steroids left for another guy

Moving on …

Fast forward two years into the relationship. I noticed Erik had started to pull away. Gone were any of the close times we once shared, like spooning on the couch or simply hanging out. We weren’t even having “Ricky” visits anymore. When I confronted him on it, he told me he just had a lot going on and not to worry about it.

I’m not going to lie to you – I’ve always had body image issues and problems with self-esteem. Being in a relationship with him initially helped to boost my feelings about how I viewed myself but ultimately, it made everything worse. And so it wasn’t long before I started to look in the mirror and wonder how I could make myself more attractive to him. Given the widening distance in our relationship, I figured I didn’t have much to lose.

Boy was I wrong.

I Started Steroids

I talked to Erik about helping me start a cycle of steroids. He seemed initially upset about it at first and was resistant to help. I told him I was going to do it anyways and that he might as well try to guide me. It wasn’t long before he was pushing a needle in my butt on a weekly basis.

I started to grow and get bigger – stronger. After about a year of ongoing injections, which we cycled every 12 weeks, I had almost doubled my size. I was also spending 2-3 hours at the gym 5 times a week and giving it my all. “Maybe you can start competing in some of the senior competitions” he would say half smiling.

Did the steroids make me more attractive to Erik? I’ll never really know but we did seem to be closer. I put it out of my mind that he continued to pal around with Ricky and that I was still paying for everything. All that was important to me was that he found me attractive and that Erik wasn’t the total focus of attention whenever we went out. Just being honest with you. 

The Stroke

Everything suddenly changed in 2013. I was sitting at the kitchen table, having a cup of coffee and reading something on my iPad. I went to get up for another cup when I noticed a general weakness in my right arm. Erik had just come in from his morning run and noticed that my face was drooping. When he asked me what was going on, I had a very hard time understanding him. Worse, when I tried to speak, my words came out slurred. My head was pounding too.

That’s when I lost consciousness.

All I remember was waking up in in an intensive care unit. I had tubes coming out of everywhere, plus an IV. The nurse told me to remain calm because I was recovering from a stroke.

Yes – I had a stroke.

I was in the hospital for over 2-weeks. What was complicating matters was the loss of function on most of the right side of my body. I couldn’t stand or hold myself up either. Speaking was extremely difficult because all of my words came out like garble. My short-term memory took a hit too.

intravenous IV feed in hospital patient's arm with broth in coffee cup
Trying to drink coffee with an IV in me

My cardiologist eventually told me that I have overloaded my system because of the steroids. He was careful to add that there may have been other mitigating factors, such as my age, genetics and so forth but that given all of the evidence, the drugs I was injecting into my body was the most likely culprit.  

Released from Hospital

When I was finally released, Erik took me home. He even made it a point of posting video on social media that showed everyone how he was “taking care of me”. He made it a big point to brag about this to anyone who would listen. Nothing was sacred, including me being pushed around in a wheel chair and unable to walk. Sounds nice, huh?

What I didn’t know until later was that while I was in the hospital, Erik had had cleaned out all of my checking accounts and charged up my credit cards to the max. What could I do? I gave him access to all of it.

The worst part of it all was when the doctor told the both of us that I would likely need ongoing physical therapy and support – perhaps for several years. At this point in my recovery, I could hardly feed myself or even go to the bathroom on my own. Remember, I was partially paralyzed. Erik assured the doctor that he would be there for me.

They say you know who really cares about you when you’re knocked down. Well, I found out the hard way.

Left for Dead and partially paralyzed 

After only about a week of being at home, Erik apparently decided that I was too much of a burden. He called my sister up and told her that he needed to “move on” and that he couldn’t be my “caretaker”.

The very next day he had his stuff packed up and moved out. “Sorry but I just can’t do this” I remember him saying. My sister scrambled to find someone to take care of me and ended up hiring a home health care worker. I was devastated.  

had a stroke after steroids for a guy

Later, I found out on Facebook that he had announced to everyone that I (meaning me) had decided to break things off and call it quits. All lies and all BS but that’s what he did.

Wanna hear the really crappy part?

Two weeks after he moved out, Erik announced on Facebook that he was in a new relationship with another man. You guessed it – the “new” person was Ricky. He had been seeing him on the side the entire time we were together. In fact, I am pretty sure both of them were in on siphoning my accounts dry. It’s my understanding the two have since moved to another part of the state.

Owning My Part – Steroids and All

For my part, I fully recognize my responsibility here. I was stupid enough to think that if I shot myself up with steroids, I would become more attractive to my so called boyfriend. I completely lived in a world of denial about who this guy was and how he was using me. I’m not saying I asked for it but I sure should have listened to my friends when they tried to tell me what was really going on. I was obsessed and can clearly see that now.

I’ve regained some of the use of my right side but not all of it. I can speak much better now and can actually make it around the block with the help of a walker. That may sound like a terrible predicament to you but at least I’m still alive. You have to look at some type of silver lining I guess. I don’t feel sorry for myself.

steroids for a guy
Steroids for a Guy

The good news is that Erik and apparently Ricky couldn’t access some of my money market accounts, stocks or other investments meant for retirement. While I am by no means financially comfortable anymore, I’m also not totally broke. Thank God for Social Security Disability Income.

I shared this story with you not because I wanted to scare you about using steroids. Instead, my intent was to show you just how far a person will go when they have major issues with self-esteem and body image. I am in counseling for this now and man I wish I would have been involved with psychotherapy years ago!

Maybe it would have helped prevent what happened to me. Maybe it wouldn’t. Who knows.

This story was submitted by a reader of GCG as part of our “It Really Happened” series. Do you have a real life story that you would like to share? We’d love to hear from you! Click here to learn how to submit.

  • Lucifer Arnold

    Yikes

  • Joan

    Terrible! God this is terrible. I’ve done things for men but the worst was coke.

  • Storbritannien_Dansker

    I can understand and appreciate your willingness to share your history. I also had a relationship that I took care of everything, and when I was struck down by a form of Neuroacanthocytosis, an ultra rare genetic disability. I’m one of 35 globally recognised cases of my disability, but the tests and eliminations for what it could be and my former fiancé showed a completely different person. His attitude worsened, openly treated me cruelly to friends, and was a completely repugnant person.

    When my monies faded, and after 8 years of being together, he said the exact same words to me on a Saturday morning. An aunt was dying of cancer back home in the UK, and she wanted to see us, but my ex left on the morning after our arrival in the UK. He had a very comfortable holiday with his mates, and when I paid for a back-up of our home computer I discovered photos of him having sex with other men on it. He has been a person that has an ugly heart. I am so grateful that I didn’t say “I do” to him.

    It was difficult when I returned back home, and I told him that I intend never to return to America. Next month it will be seven years since he told me to “move on” and I believe he was shocked that I kept my word. I require a mobility scooter now and wear braces on my legs, I have fits of Narcolepsy and non-Epileptic seizures, topped with a very large dose of prejudice against the Disabled that has tried everything to live as long as I can, yet in spite of being a decent looking man I haven’t slept with anyone in an extremely long time. 8 very long years.

    I would be very happy to meet a good man that will recognise that there is more to me than the toned body that shakes, has a strange voice, and I don’t know if I will find a man that has so much more to this book than this cover. I’m unwilling to sacrifice my integrity so I can love and be loved. We all deserve a healthy relationship, but I personally will wait for the right one. Yes, it is perplexing that our own Community has become so limited in Compassion and the willingness to love another man with Disabilities.

    I would’ve thought that after the Era of HIV attitudes would have changed far more than the shallow perceptions for clones and stereotypes, and being a gay man that is HIV- at 49 is rare. My entire life has watched so many leave us, and it hasn’t stopped, but the stigma of HIV has thankfully seen advances, with many men that are HIV+ or a couple with mixed HIV statuses are capable to overcome the fears that I remember when I was just coming out 35 years ago. But, with sad regrets I do not see this compassion for gay men with Disabilities receiving the same openness by our Community. However, the Romantic, Gay Man that I am holds onto hope that there are some guys that are decent and willing to open their eyes to us.

    • Powerful story -thanks for sharing! I think your point about the gay community and people with disabilities is sadly true. I hope you might consider sharing your story in a blog post under this area of the blog.

      • Storbritannien_Dansker

        Thank you, John. I have been suggested about doing this. If I do I will inform you. Please take care! Gary X

      • Storbritannien_Dansker

        John, I’m very sorry for a delay in my response. I had a slight setback for a period with my ChAc, and it was a time when I discovered that my bank was making grave errors with my bank accounts that has become a major challenge to correct this matters.

        I’m going to start working on a blogpost about the struggles, set-backs, determination to not accept what those with only a slim amount of knowledge present as a life expectancy, and doing my best to beat the odds in Love and Life. We need to appreciate our history so we cannot learn from our errors.

        Do you have a Facebook account? I have it locked down, but you can ask to be added to friends that are from all over the World, and I use my language skills for both LGBTQI Rights and Rights for the Disabled. These are both very important issues for me (obviously due to my circumstances). I’m trying to keep my support to others that have loved ones or are personally Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Queer, Intersex, and Straight loved ones, creating a place where I can raise issues, and liaise onto Support and Information groups throughout the World in order to help people come to terms, and work towards acceptance for people, whether it is Sexuality or Disability, needing to make a difference. I know of many groups based on Sexuality, Disability, and those that are in both groups.

        My name is Gary Gans. Take care!

      • Storbritannien_Dansker

        I will. I had a major health scare related to my Neuroacanthocytosis-related Chorea-acanthocytosis, and the pain was to the point that I couldn’t attempt to organise it. I’m going into the Operating Theatre at the end of October from a hairline fracture to my jaw and six additional broken teeth that they can’t help me with until a specialist comes here. Local Anaesthesia is ineffective due to the decline of my Neurological System, so the pain is excruciating.

        I’m sorry for the delay in response, but the pain has dramatically hindered my abilities. Please keep in contact and I will let you know when I will begin to relay the challenges for the gay community, those with disabilities, and those that have both. Our greatest threat is when good people do nothing to oppose these attitudes, and this has many causes that just became the Perfect Storm.

        Since our last discussions five months ago we should all be raising the alarms and bringing everyone on board to counter a crack in that façade that is frighteningly silent. We must remember History, because Humanity has a horrible track record when it comes to remembering the errors of the past.

        Watching the American Elections and the amount of violence occurring every day concerns me. It is close to pushing an uprising not by those traditionally oppressed or with a ‘fire in their belly’ to turn against those with education and common sense.

        To be an intellectual in America now is just as divisive and has created a crisis in what is a regrettably bicameral Republic, with 270 votes in the Electoral College to win the Executive Branch. Third and Fourth Party candidates have no power now that Corporations have been given a status of ‘personhood’, and I feel that something as important as POTUS should be changed into a majority of the vote.

        An overwhelming number of States use the Electoral College as a ‘Winner Takes All’ from most of their 50 States’ winners. This made sense when the Founding Fathers of the 13 States wanted a sense of equality, but now with online media becoming the primary location of campaigns most are able to go online and discover what was said by the candidates throughout their never-ending Election Cycle. I have many loved ones that live in the US. These are dangerous times.

        Take care!