Jealousy doesn’t have to ruin something good
I used to be that guy. That jealous guy. If my boyfriend looked at a another cute guy, my blood would start to boil. I’d make a fist and clench my fingers. I knew my jealousy was ridiculous. Simple signs of insecurity. So I never yelled at him or got upset.
I would just sulk and feel crumby. Immediately, he could sense my jealousy, and try to comfort me through reassurance, but nothing he ever said made feel better. He would say “I love you” a million times, and STILL, I’d get jealous.
Jealousy, to me, is the most toxic emotion there is. It’s consuming, irrational, and whenever I feel a wave of jealousy coming over me, I feel like a toddler.
Related: Six relationship stages for gay men
I know mature men aren’t jealous, and I consider myself a mature adult. So why the hell am I getting so jealous? It’s not only unflattering, but also a burden to my boyfriend. He has to deal with my crazy ass.
It took a lot of exploration, introspection, and therapy, but I’m finally able to control the green-eyed monster living inside of me. Once in awhile, he’ll rear his ugly head (especially when the guy my boyfriend’s talking to is cuter than me), but I now know how to push that ugly green head back down.
Here’s what I’ve learned and 4 things to help you get over your jealousy issues.
1. Jealousy is all about trusting your partner
And in the beginning of any relationship, you don’t trust your partner fully. You shouldn’t! You just met him and trust takes time to develop. So your jealousy is often stronger in the nascent stages of a relationship, before trust bonds are formed.
Once, you trust him fully, and believe that when he says he loves you and only you, that he loves you and only you, then your jealousy will start to fade naturally.
2 Jealous men don’t trust themselves
This is a thing I’ve noticed among men. The men who get the most jealous, are the ones, themselves, who are more likely to cheat. If you don’t trust yourself to be faithful, then there’s no way you can trust someone else to be faithful.
So until you, yourself, believe that you won’t cheat and are 100% faithful, then and only then, will your jealousy begin to cool down.
3. Lust never goes away
Just because you love someone or are dating someone, doesn’t mean you stop looking at other guys. Sure, you’ll meet those gay couples who are like, “The moment I met my boyfriend, I had no desire to sleep with any other guy.” Honestly, those guys annoy the living hell out of me.
They make us think that’s what love is, but 99% of the time it’s not. (And I’d be willing to bet that down the line, they’ll start having some wandering eyes.) We’re still humans.
We can love a man and be faithful and still notice how hot that other guy is. And yes, you may fantasize about that naked hunk who showered next to you at the gym while masturbating (or having sex with your boyfriend). THAT’S OKAY. We are gay men for God’s sake.
If your desire gets too strong, and you feel like you need to bone some other dudes, that’s when you talk to your boyfriend about being open.
Until then, acknowledge that lust is here to stay, and you, like your partner, will lust other men, but you trust one another enough not to act on anything.
4. Sex and intimacy are two separate entities
So this really relates back to what I wrote about lust. Sex is sometimes just sex. It’s like when you have a friend scratch an itch on your back you can’t reach. Only this time, he’s poking at something inside your butt you can’t reach… Don’t get me wrong, sex can also be an expression of love and a gateway to intimacy, but that’s not what you’re looking for with other guys. You know?
It’s about the novelty of sleeping with someone new. So when you realize that lust and sex don’t really impact your relationship, you won’t get jealous if your boyfriend starts flirting with another dude. While you may not have his ass or six pack, your partner loves you, so there’s no reason to get jealous.
Okay, so do you honestly want to know what I think the best way to get over your jealousy is? Alright, I’m just going to say it, although I know it’s an unpopular opinion: Watch your man have sex with another dude. I KNOW HOW IT SOUNDS. But after that, you’ll realize that your jealousy is just insecurities. Sex is sex. Flirting is flirting.
And love is love.
If he loves you, you don’t have to be jealous. Or rather, you’ll be able to control your jealousy when that green-eyed monster rears his nasty looking head.