Straight Guy Secrets
My name is Nick and I’m a straight guy. Since the time I first started getting erections, I knew that I liked girls. In fact, I’m dating one right now.
But here’s the thing, sometimes I hook up with other guys.
Shhh, don’t tell anybody! I can’t let anybody find out. But if you can keep a secret, I’m about to share with you 7 things straight dudes like me don’t want gay men (or anyone else) to know, ever!
Consider this all part of the silent “bro code”. OK? Now check it out:
1. Bro Jobs Work
When I let you drain me, it’s totally cool. That’s because getting a BJ is a one-way street and isn’t technically “gay”.
Why do you think so many of us like sticking our junk through glory holes anonymously? If you can’t see who is doing it, it doesn’t count.
2. Drunk Sex
Have you ever hooked up with your straight roommate or best bud? After it happened, did he play like it off like he didn’t remember?
Guess what? He absolutely did.
But alcohol gives us a permission slip to pretend like it didn’t. We can always claim alcohol induced sexsomnia if we have to.
3. Pickup Trucks
Have you ever gone down on a guy in his pickup truck? Did he return the favor? When this happened, were you in the woods or in a rural community?
Shhh – don’t tell me your answer out loud. Otherwise, people will know you had dude sex. That’s a big secret among us straight guys.
You see, if you did it with man outside of city limits, it can’t be labeled.
4. Gay for Pay
Remember that straight guy who took your $200.00 in exchange for messing around? Sorry to break it to you but when he was inside you, he was still heterosexual.
Didn’t you know that? Money makes it OK.
5. College is a Free Pass
When you think back, was there a guy in college you messed around with? Did you both watch football together in the dorm and sometimes swap head during commercials?
Is that same guy now married – to a woman?
According to research, all that fun you had was just a college thing. Even if he bent over for you, it doesn’t count.
6. Got Something to Prove
I know the times I’ve gone down on a guy, I did it to prove to myself that I really liked women. Shoot, I’ve had to do it more than once just to make sure!
But see that doesn’t count either – at least not to us. The studies say a lot of guys end up testing the waters. None of it can be taken at face value. Make sense?
7. Weed Blurs
Ever fire one up with your straight buddy? When you were taking tokes off that one hitter, did he make out with you? Upon reflection, did the whole turn out to be a sexual blur?
If so, you gotta know it was totally normal.
Didn’t you get the memo? Yeah, that’s called heteroflexibility. And like everything else I mentioned here, it doesn’t count (sorry).
Summing It Up
Wow, I can’t believe I just told you all of this. It’s like I just ratted out all of my straight bros deepest secrets! Please keep it to yourself, OK?
Otherwise, I can’t call myself straight anymore. Oh, $hit, my girlfriend is coming up the stairs. Later!
[who obviously wrote this as snark] 🙂