What it’s like for women to learn their man isn’t exactly straight?
We often hear about men who identify as straight and hook up with other men. For openly gay men who find themselves attracted to such guys, the relationships are often difficult.
A case in point can be seen in the case of Michael; a 35-year-old man who recently shared he’s been sleeping with his married boss. See this post to learn more.
But what’s it like for the woman? How does she cope when she learns her husband is scoping out other guys?
For example, how does she deal with the news that her man has been hooking up on Grindr, watching gay adult film and masturbating to same sex imagery?
I thought he was straight?!
According to sex therapist Robert Weiss, the emotional toll can be devastating. Here’s an expert from a piece he penned in Huffington Post.
“Amelia came into my office for her first visit, visibly distraught, having discovered that her husband of six years, Michael, had been looking at gay p*** and casually cheating on her with a variety of men.
She says he swears that he loves her and he’s never cheated with another woman.
He also insists that he’s not gay. Amelia says she loves Michael more than anyone in the world and they actually have a pretty good sex life, but she feels betrayed and confused and she doesn’t know what to do next.”
Part of the process a woman goes through upon learning that her male partner has been engaging in same sex infidelity includes examining what’s real and what’s not.
Weiss points to several common questions that commonly pop up during crisis therapy.
Women typically want to know:
- Is he gay or straight or what?
- Is he attracted to me at all?
- Should I get tested for HIV and other STDs?
- If I stay with him, can we make the relationship work?
- Can I ever trust him to be monogamous?
- Can I trust him to stop lying and keeping secrets?
When women ask Weiss if their husband or partner is gay, he advises them he doesn’t know and that it’s possible their mate may not know as well.
“Plenty of men experience homosexual attraction to some degree but choose to live a straight lifestyle, while others with a similar degree of homosexual attraction choose to live a gay lifestyle – dating and being romantic only with (or at least primarily with) other men, going to gay restaurants and clubs, playing on a gay softball team, etc.
So being gay means you experience homosexual attraction to one degree or another and you choose to publicly self-identify and live your life to reflect that.”
Can we save the relationship?
Depending upon the dynamic, some women are curious about saving the relationship after learning of their mate’s same sex attractions.
Weiss shares that he informs female clients each situation is different. He also drives home the point that no matter how much therapy takes place, a person’s sexual arousal template is set.
“No matter how much therapy you have, no matter how much you love someone, no matter how often and how loudly you pray, your sexual turn-ons are not going to change or disappear. The only real choice you have is in what you do with that.
You can choose to accept your orientation and act on it, you can choose to accept your orientation and not act on it, or you can choose to not accept your orientation and feel miserable about it.”