If You Want a Boyfriend, Why Are You On Grindr 24/7?

gay dating grindr, scruffStop crying about being a single gay man when you live on Grindr

By: Rico Woods

When I was 30, I used to live on Grinder. I know what it’s like to tap onto the app as a quick way of “ordering in”. I didn’t care because at that time, all I could think about was getting off. But now that I am 35, my focus has shifted.

Sure, I’m still interested in messing around from time to time but what I really want is to find a serious boyfriend. I supposed that’s why I decided to do what a lot of gay men do and remove gay hookup apps from my phone. It was a time huge time suck.

Plus, I got sick of potential dates saying, “Hey, didn’t I see you on Grindr?”

What’s screwed up is how many of us seem to want a relationship but continue to whore ourselves out on Scruff and the like under the guise of “Oh – its’s just another way to meet guys.”

To the gay men who use that excuse – sorry – you are full of it.

Sure, there are guys who genuinely use Grindr as a conduit for making connections. But when you live on the thing pretty much 24/7, you really aren’t looking for a boyfriend. Instead, you are just telling the world that you are some skank ass hoe that is putting your need for dick ahead of anything romantic.

Folks, we live in a hookup culture, I totally get it. But you can’t channel OK Cupid or Tinder on Grindr and expect to find the man of your dreams – particularly when you have it active all day and night.

That’s why I have to laugh when my friends tell me that they desperately want a boyfriend yet can’t seem to pull themselves away from their hookup apps whenever we hang out.

Some of them even chat on Grindr at the bar when they could be talking to the hot guy standing right next to them!

Related: My Tinder date ditched me with a $250.00 dinner tab

I’m not saying some people don’t find real dating opportunities on the apps because it does happen. But let’s be real, mostly it doesn’t. And when you think about it, doesn’t constant use of the apps send out mixed signals?

Think about it …

On the one hand, you are totally down with meeting Mr. Right. But on the other hand, you want the “right” guy to pound you out? Give me a break.

A photo posted by Gay Pop buzz (@gaypopbuzz) on

What’s up with that?

So please – don’t talk to me about how tired you are of being a gay single man and how it sucks because you can’t find someone to date.

If you really want to meet a guy, as in serious dating that’s not about hooking on the first encounter, you have to make yourself vulnerable.

What does being vulnerable mean?

Well, for starters it means not advertising to the world how many inches you are packing. It also means not using farm animals to describe yourself and what you are into. It means getting off the apps and out into the real world where you actually engage people in human dialogue.

Being vulnerable, at least to me, requires that you don’t exclude other gay men because of impossible expectations that nobody can ever meet. And finally, it means not feeling rejected because sex didn’t happen on the first date.

Related: Top reasons you keep attracting the same losers

I think it’s time to start calling people out on their crap. People ultimately will show you their true colors if you give them enough time. All of us are adults and I recognize that some people are more mature than others.

But honestly – dating already is a challenge so let’s not pretend that hookup apps make things better.

If you want a man, put yourself out there and move beyond the physical. There’s plenty of us who want to meet you.


  1. Yeah I agree with this article I read, we need to be realistic and get out there to the real world and have all of us gather to meet others if we want a man in our life time. Come guys, life’s too short for these apps, computers, and texting, life’s too short.. We need to get out there to the real world and we can all get together like human nature again before the computers, cell phones were invented back in the 1980’s.. Think about that! 🙂

  2. Personally I was on there for hook-ups. One night I met up with this guy I was going to have sex with and be done. We went to my room, got in the bed and ended up talking for 2 hours. I wasn’t even trying to find love. But from that point on we both deep down knew. We started hanging out more and more until I finally had the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend. We’ve had some bumps but he feels like my soul mate and if I never had Grindr I never would have met him. So don’t discredit the app or even the people. Just take it at face value and realize that if someone wants to hook-up all their life and lie to themselves by saying they want a relationship just let them be happy and just don’t make a fuss about it because in reality it’s not your business.

  3. Tell me how to get out there and meet someone. I do have grindr and growlr. Not on it 24/7 due to work. I am looking to meet someone just don’t know how to do it, any recommendations?

  4. I’m confused. Are you saying to delete the app because people hold unrealistic expectations on line and not off-line? Or are you saying that gay men are incapable of using a modern tool to meet other men? Are you saying that going to bars/clubs is a more genuine experience? The author seems to have issues about finding a boyfriend that have nothing to do with method, but only his inability for self-control no matter the medium used to “find a serious boyfriend.”

  5. Gay men, in particular, tend to express both our anger and longing to connect through sex. Unfortunately many of us don’t get guidance in this area until we realize something isn’t working and seek out a therapist. And I don’t think calling someone a “skank ass hoe” is helpful to the discussion- there is no honor in perpetuating internalized homophobia.

  6. Super judgmental. While it might be great for people to get out there and meet people, not everyone is up for that. Not every guy who wants to find someone is comfortable chatting with the hot guy at the bar. And not every perfect start to a relationship includes a long talk about your future life goals and deep connection. Sorry it’s just doesn’t always work that way. Some relationships whether you want to admit it or not actually start because two farm animals have matching farm animal interests and they wouldn’t have met each other if not for an app…or would it be better if they went to their local leather/kink club so they had that in person quality. That’s great that you realize that that scene is not for you and you have a better idea of what you want and need in a relationship but this article reeks of judgment about gays who aren’t as “evolved” (I wish I could make those quotations larger). Try writing an article about how happy you are and hope it inspires people instead of judging people who are going about it differently them you and tryin to shame them for it.

  7. Another holier than thou prick trying to push his own vision of what finding a relationship should be, and of course he has to blame the temptations (grindr, scruff, etc) for his own lack of self control and failure.

  8. Kudos for writing this and I am glad that you did. I’m one of the people you talked about in this article and it is totally true. I cut back on using the hookup apps band started finding REAL dates by joining gay sports leagues and even joining a card playing club. At least you had the guts to publish this. I can see from the comments it has a lot of people worked up. Screw them. Thanks for this.

    • I would just say that each person should be the judge of what is good and what is not for themselves, instead of trying to force rules to other people.

      • ahh yes, the moral relativist argument. stop being a slut Hi–you know the article was aimed at your dumbass

        • What’s wrong with being a slut? Is it morally unacceptable to your internalized pseudo-Christian values? Get over it, it is not your life and people are free to do whatever they want.
          I met my husband of 8 years on manhunt, just so you know. The point is that you never know where you will find the one. People became so picky with all the options available that nobody is open anymore to dating and marrying because the next best thing is just around the corner. My opinion is that you are the only one that knows what is good for yourself, if you feel that grindr is a distraction to your dating strategy that you can’t manage, then don’t get on it. Have some self-control. What is wrong is to think that everybody is the same as you and go around preaching things that may not work for them. IT would be a lot more productive to write a text saying what worked for you on dating instead of going around bashing others for your own failures.

  9. I’m constantly saying this to my friends. Everything here is true. People want Mr. Right but will hookup with everyone in the neighborhood in the meantime.

  10. Well aren’t you just the perfect person!
    Maybe people have tried other means to find boyfriends, but have acknowledged that this is how many guys now meet. You also assume that none of the encounters resulting from an app connection lead to anything long term, which is not true.

    Your writing is very sloppy, and overtly judgmental.

    You sound like someone who I would neither want to hook up with nor have as a boyfriend. You sound so bitter, I feel like reading your article was the equivalent of being forced to suck on ten lemons.

  11. Seriously? What’s damaging most to gay men is the toxicity we throw at each other and this self-righteous article is a perfect example. Your opinion could’ve been better presented if you didn’t denigrate people who make different choices than you and didn’t buy into the ridiculous ideas about the right way to enjoy sex indoctrinated into you by straight culture.

    The best part of this is that you’re denigrating others for making different choices than you but your choices don’t seem to have advantaged you much. You’re still in the same position they are: single.

  12. Why does the gay community resort to sex shaming to prove their points?

    The gist of the article is, “I used to order in on Grindr 5 years ago, but I didn’t want to be skank ass hoe anymore, so you should stop, otherwise you’ll never find love because I didn’t and if you don’t, you’re a whore.”

    Also, “we live in a hookup culture, but some people don’t follow that culture, but you should still stop hooking up online and be a man to have a conversation somehow with someone, even if you don’t know he is gay.” Yikes.

    If someone is “online 24/7”, then they may have a sexual addiction and I guess you can figure out to stay away from that if you’re also online 24/7 to notice that kind of thing. If friends are popping out their phones and chatting with nearby guys on Grindr while out with you, get new friends to hang out with? Even though you think they should initiate a conversation with those Grindr guys that are 22 feet away, still meaning they are ditching you to hang out so to speak.

    So sure, advertising you have “__ inches” online probably means you’re not going to fall in love after the first encounter, but that doesn’t mean something can develop once in person and figuring out chemistry. Putting yourself online is being vulnerable, especially if others are going to think you’re skank for doing so.

  13. The article doesn’t explicitly say it (though you should have got it anyways), but you NATURALLY stop doing things a single person does when you want to be in a relationship. So you were on Grindr and you found someone you liked? I bet you stopped hooking up with others, avoided “risky” outings with friends, and a whole lot of other things. And if you have a stable relationship that implies that the other areas of your life were together.

    That leaves two types of guys in the world. The guys who have their ish together and the guys who don’t, and guys who are a mess are most likely to complain about not having a man (otherwise they’d be waving their freak flag even higher…cause they don’t care!) I know I’m not where I want to be to pursue the type of relationship I want. I don’t get why that’s so hard for other guys to admit to themselves.

  14. Grindr is a hook up app, it’s there for sex. Let’s call a spade a spade shall we, and stop pretending it’s anything more. This isn’t a judgment, just stating a fact.
    There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, so yes I’m sure some people have found a partner on Grindr, but ultimately it’s for hookups. There are plenty of apps for dating. Grindr just isn’t one of them. The statement is simple, if you want more than just hook ups, spend less time on Grindr and more on the apps that cater for dating. I’m not saying anyone is guarenteed to find someone via them, but that’s the dating game for you!

  15. Okay so where do u speak to these people? In a club where everyone is on drugs? Maybe the supermarket where someone isn’t actually gay? What fictional world do you live in? Gay people don’t meet at the park on the weekend walking their dog thats what straight people do in the movies

  16. I find the article insulting and judgmental. I’m glad when a person makes a decision that makes him happy. I also acknowledge that many guys whine about being single. It is challenging to find someone and for some it’s very difficult. I might suggest to a friend to try something besides a hook-up app. Had you been my friend, I might suggest a rewrite of the article with a more positive tone and less accusatory.

  17. I don’t think this article is judgemental. It speaks the truth. There is a reason why the stereotype is the slutty gay man persist. Gay MEN DO WHORE THEMSELVES! Big surprise! Thats the truth!

    But. At the same time. Where do we gay men go to look for dates?? I am pretty much a celibate monk by this stage.

    Find us an alternative!

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