Is He Emotionally Unavailable?
Mike was swept off his feet after his first two dates with Justin. On their first encounter, Justin took him to a fabulous dinner at a swanky Las Vegas restaurant. They talked all night almost effortlessly as if they’d known each other for years.
Justin complimented Mike’s blue eyes and called them “gorgeous.” He even mentioned an upcoming vacation to Spain and said it would be great if Mike came along.
Their second date was even better than the first. Mike splurged on an expensive meal at Sage – the legendary hot spot at the Aria Hotel where celebrities are known to dine. Over drinks, Justin told Mike he was looking to “get serious with someone” and have a real relationship.
They discussed hopes for the future; like their shared dreams of having children and raising a family. They forked food off one another’s plates and shared dessert. Mike giggled as Justin kissed him at the table over candlelight.
After date number two, they made plans to meet again and check out a movie. At 33, Mike felt instantly connected to Justin – beyond anything he had ever experienced dating other men.
Sounds great, right?
Not exactly. Mike never heard anything from Justin again. You see – Mike had been ghosted.
In our post that explored the 10 common ways gay men destroy their relationships, we took a good hard look at how some guys are incapable of being committed to another because they engage in selfish behaviors.
In other words – they may talk a good game but when it comes down to getting serious, they sabotage the relationship at every turn.
If you have ever dated a man who is emotionally unavailable, you likely know it’s like stepping onto the planet crazy. One day he’ll pull you close and make you feel like you are the center of his world.
The next day, he goes all distant and flat. When you ask him something like: “What’s wrong?” he’ll usually respond with, “Nothing – why do you keep asking that?”
What follows are five major signs that gay man you are casually dating is emotionally unavailable. Read them all in order to absorb their deeper meaning.
1. They don’t communicate with consistency
Guys who are seriously interested in dating you will maintain regular, ongoing communication (daily) with you. No matter how busy they are, they will find a moment to reach out – if even a quick text to say hello.
If you want to truly test if that new guy you met is interested, simply cease communication with him. Don’t call, don’t email and don’t text. If a week goes by and you haven’t heard anything, take it as a strong indicator that he’s looking for something casual.
2. He’s more interested sexy time than dating
If a guy likes you – as in really likes you – he’s going to want to share experiences with you. This means he’s going to want to go out with you in public. He’ll introduce you to his friends and not try and hide you.
On the flipside, if he’s emotionally unavailable, he’s going to act selfishly. He’ll call you whenever he wants to talk and usually late at night – hoping or a booty call.
He’ll also show up at your house under the guise of taking you out but instead, manipulate the situation where the two of you end up in your bed. The end result – you never actually go out.
There’s nothing wrong with sex but if he’s pushing for that hard almost every time you are together, you need to consider this a red flag.
3. Everyone knows him at the bars
This particular sign is unique to us as gay men. Let’s face it, many of us gather in clubs, taverns and bars to socialize. There’s nothing wrong with this per se.
However, if you notice when you are with a guy that virtually everyone knows him at the bars and you get the vibe that he’s slept with a lot of them, don’t discount your feelings.
Guys who are emotionally unavailable tend to sleep around a lot. Why? Because they obtain validation trough hookups and not through emotional relationships.
Use your judgement here but if you are picking up that he’s a player, there’s probably a reason.
4. His ex is still in the picture
Does he still live with his ex-boyfriend? Do the two of them work together in some capacity? Does the ex seem like he’s in regular contact with the guy you are just started seeing? If you are answering yes to some or all of these questions, be concerned.
As gay men, many of us are friends with our ex-boyfriends. There is no rule that suggests we have to cut them off unless they were abusive.
But if a guy continues to live with his former partner or they in some way continue to share a life together (i.e. own a business) then you need to accept the simple truth that he’s not emotionally available – no matter how much he claims otherwise If he were available, why hasn’t he severed the chord?
5. He says: “I don’t like to use labels”
Guys who are interested in a serious relationship will be completely OK with monogamy with the right man. At the very least, they will share what they are capable of giving and not giving.
However, if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable gay man, he’s going to shy away from any talk about making a commitment. In fact, he will likely say something like, “I don’t like to use labels”.
Translation = he doesn’t want to use the word “boyfriend” because he has commitment fears. He also may not be ready to settle down with just one guy. He is however, completely OK having casual hookups if you keep putting out to string you along.
If you are like a lot of gay men, there’s a good chance you really want a boyfriend. Depending upon your situation, you may even hold dreams of marriage with a guy someday. Good on you!
You can save yourself an enormous amount of time on your quest to find a man if you learn the signs of emotional unavailability. The book featured above is a great resource for anyone who is interested in learning more about this topic.
Thanks for stopping by!