There are more options than you think. The question is what are they?
Are you in a relationship with a man who never initiates sex? Have you grown tired of (yet again) having to be the one to get things going? Wondering if he still finds you attractive?
If the answer is yes, you’ve come to the right place. One of the most challenging problems in relationships (gay and straight) is about this topic.
Let’s be real – when you’re always in the position having to coax your man into sex, it can do a real number on your self-esteem. Over the course of time, this can lead to:
- Sexual boredom
- Resentment and frustration
- Body image issues
- False assumptions
- A wandering eye (and more)
So – what are the options? Is there anything you can do to create positive change?
I’m here to tell you – the answer is yes.
But here’s the thing. You’ve first got to erase all those assumptions about the “why” he’s not doing it. Instead, focus on the what.
What can be different?
Once you do this, read what follows with an open mind. Hopefully, you’ll walk away with new insight and a plan of action.
Check it out.
1. What can be different with intimacy?
Intimacy is a huge part of creating sexual desire. In the beginning stages of a relationship, sexy time comes easy because of a strong, physical attraction.
But as time goes on, the allure begins to fade. Combine this phenomenon with the reality of living a busy life and things can go south fast.
That’s why creating time for intimacy is KEY.
When is the last time you did any of the following?
- Held and caressed one another?
- Walked up to your man and planted one on?
- Complimented him on his physical appearance?
Yes, intimacy takes time. Rebuilding it takes even more time. Respect, honesty, and communication are all part of the dynamic.
2. What are his assumptions?
OK, I am sure this sounds silly and you may be wondering if your man understands you at all. But, being intuitive is a real thing. So is being empathic.
Some guys have fragile egos. This is particularly true if they’ve been rejected in the past. So, when it comes times to put themselves out there sexually, it can be a challenge.
- Are you sending out the vibe you aren’t in the mood?
- Does he struggle with body image issues? If so, does he assume you don’t find him attractive?
- Does he know what you like sexually or is he unsure?
As with all the points mentioned here, communication is key. Yes, these can be uncomfortable to talk about. But if you don’t, change will never happen.
3. What patterns have been set up?
If the dynamic has always been such that you pursue him, there may be a ritual at play where the pattern has been concretized.
In other words, he may not know it’s OK to initiate because that’s not how things have typically gone down (no pun intended).
This is where that “what” question comes up again. Here’s a few questions to ask yourself:
- What would it be like to role play and have him be the initiator. Example: “The Repairman” or “The Fireman”.
- Create the role play games with his participation and let him be the one to make suggestions.
- Role play something from a movie with him being the “alpha” character.
You learned in high school that spontaneous generation doesn’t exist. If it doesn’t happen in biology, why would it happen in your bedroom?
This may be awkward – I know. But then again, the process of change isn’t always easy.
4. What is your definition of sex?
Has the situation been such that you always bottom? On the flipside, do you both do the same thing when it comes to intimacy?
If the answer is yes, your man could be bored. Sure, you may think it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread but what about him?
That’s why reexamining your definition of sex is key.
In other words, not every sexual encounter needs to end up with backdoor activity. Simple, wonderful things – like BJ’s, can be very satisfying.
If you are a busy couple (like most are) there may not be time to do the top-bottom thing. Sometimes, you must settle for the simple.
The old axiom is true: A little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing.
Talk to your man. Ask him for a BJ or tell him you are going to give him one.
In turn, he’ll get the signal that this type of activity is cool. The end result? He may be more likely to initiate down the road.
5. What’s being communicated?
This final tip has been interwoven throughout this post but now comes full circle.
In my experience, one of the biggest barriers to initiation relates to communication – or lack thereof. Here’s a simple question:
What if your man doesn’t know how?
If he doesn’t, do you know this? If not, how can this be changed if it’s not being talked about?
Like it or not, sometimes we must train our men. That’s not being said in some BDSM, master and slave context. Instead, I’m talking about emotional training that organically comes through trust.
Help build his confidence. When he does initiate, let him know you appreciated it. Reinforce desired behaviors through positive affirmation.
If you haven’t already picked up on it, I’m suggesting you use components of operant conditioning. If you have time, be sure to read up on it.
Bringing it all together
If you are hoping to get your guy to initiate, it’s super important to focus on those “what” questions.
One book I’d like to recommend to you is called The Five Love Languages for Men by Chapman and Southern (Amazon). Lots of great insight with practical “hands-on” tips.
Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope this was helpful!