I’m Feeling Rejected By White Gay Men Because I’m Black

attractive black man

The Dilemma

Hi Jack,

I’m a twenty year old gay boy currently in university. I’m used to dating Black guys, but the diversity that I see makes me want to date outside my race and try something different but the guys I have approached have totally ignored me (send a text on Grindr).

I am really sad that I took to the first step in doing something different and I get rejected. Not all of us are the typical blonde hair and blue eyed jock. 
I really need advice.

-Stressed out college student

The Solution

Hi Stressed Out,

I’m so sorry you’re feeling hurt. The world of dating can sometimes feel like a battlefield, and it’s even harder if you’re a Black man.

As much as White gay men hate when the old “preference conversation” comes up, it keeps coming up because Black men, and other men of color, feel ostracized. It sounds like you’re feeling that way right now.

First, know that you’re not alone. Because White gay men are in the majority, people often look for them first or only look for them. They then call this a preference.

Keep in mind, it’s not that most gay men are trying to be racist (though, some are). It’s that White men are the majority. They’re what we all see the most and so many think of them the most. For example, if you watch tv and there’s hundreds of shows about cinnamon rolls, or if you go on a phone app that’s covered in cinnamon rolls, you’ll think about eating a cinnamon roll.

More: “The racial hangups in the gay community suck!”

Now, don’t get confused or sad. You are a beautiful man. Your skin should not mean you have to live a harder life than most. Sadly, it does in many areas of life. This is something all Black men (and men of color) have to recognize as they walk through this White man’s world.

Rejection and trial are sadly something every man of color will have to deal with to varying extents. You seem to be experiencing the first of yours. This is a sad truth, but it’s the truth.

But it isn’t the end. It’s not like all Black men are lonely and single for the rest of your lives. This struggle and rejection that you’re experiencing right now will pass.

You will get to date/hookup with White men, Black men, Latinos, Asian men, and whoever else. As long as you open yourself to it and keep trying.

As an example, think about actors. We know big name actors and see them on our movie, tv, and computer screens. But, we don’t see all the struggle they went through in order to get there. Most actors go on hundreds and hundreds of auditions and only get a small fraction of the jobs they audition for.

They experience rejection after rejection after rejection. In the end, it’s the persistent, resourceful, talented, and lucky who become successful.

Gay men, no matter what race but especially those who aren’t White, have to think the same way. Yes, rejection will always hurt, but think about where that rejection is getting you. Someone says no to you, think, “Thanks, now I know you weren’t worth it.” Then move on to the next guy. Someone says yes, think, “Great, now I already know you’re one step better than the others!”

Speaking of steps, another one for you to take is to take your dating offline.

I don’t know your life situation in terms of being out or not, but going offline is a great way to meet someone. Whether you are looking for a hookup or a serious date, going offline is a solid option.

Since you are underage, most clubs may stop you from entering. Look around to see if a gay club or bar has an 18 and older policy. If so, consider going with friends, who know your sexuality, to get used to the place.

Then, go another night by yourself. Soloing at bars can get awkward, but they can also be great fun. It really depends on the mentality you have going into it. If you want some more tips on going to a bar/club by yourself, Gay Pop Buzz has a wonderful article all about that.

If there aren’t any 18 and up bars/clubs near you and you don’t want to wait till you’re 21, there are other avenues you can take.

Gay men are out there in the world and not just on your phone or at a dance club. Consider looking around your campus for LGBTQ-inclusive clubs. If that doesn’t work for you, just go out into the world.

Apps have left gay men thinking that they are the best way to meet other gay men. That’s simply not true.

Think of your hobbies and interests. Do you like to paint? Play video games? Like comedy or are you spiritual? Try joining an art class (on campus or off), throw a video game party and tell your friends to invite their other friends, go to an improv comedy show, or join a meditation class.

Gay men are out there in the wild (Black, White, and more). By putting yourself out there (and being open about your sexuality), you are increasing your chances of meeting one.

So again, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about your experiences on Grindr. Sadly, you’re not alone and this probably won’t be the last time. But, you will get past it. Consider one of the options I gave you and keep moving forward.

You’re young, you’re beautiful, and you’re going to get through this.

Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Gay Dating Coach at: [email protected]

About Jack

Jack is a wise but mysterious figure whose exact whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he's really, really good at gay dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a stick at, and he’s here to help other gay men step up their game.