Should I Let My New Boyfriend Take Video Us Messing Around?

happy gay couple

Your boyfriend wants to record a private video

The Dilemma

Hi, Jack,

I’ve been dating a guy for around six months now and really like him. The only thing is that recently, he’s been hinting at us making a video. And not the G-rated either. We’re talking about the type that shows everything, including our faces.

Truthfully, I have mixed feelings about it. I mean I trust him but can you really ever trust anyone?

-Not sure

The Solution

Hello, NS,

This is an interesting situation, isn’t it? On the one hand, you have someone you feel close to and share trust with. But on the other hand, he’s asking you something that is pulling you outside of your comfort zone.

And to keep it real – the request he’s making isn’t all that unusual. Lots of people (gay and straight) like capturing imagery of themselves doing the nasty.

Some folks think it is hot. Others just find it incredibly exhilarating. And still, others think the entire thing is just nuts. I don’t judge because everyone has something. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago a man wrote about his boyfriend wanting to sniff his underwear.

But I am going to say this – and I know it will be super direct. No, you should not make a video with your new boyfriend.

If your man is reading this, I am sure this is not what he wants to hear. No doubt he’s a beautiful guy and someone you fit well with. But the fact is you have mixed feelings about his request is significant. That alone should be a red-flag to not go through with it.

Would my response be different if the two of you had a long(er) history together – like five years? Maybe? Much would depend upon the dynamics of your relationship and the level of trust.

But even then, I’ve seen situations where couples have been together for decades and for whatever reason, split up. Worse, when the breakup is ugly, tempers usually start to rise. That’s when things like videos can be used to inflict harm.

Please don’t misunderstand me – it’s not that I’m against any of it. Who among us hasn’t been on an app and traded something digital that is revealing (if you get what I mean). I know that I’ve enjoyed sending and receiving them.

App Iphone GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But there is a difference between a headless picture (or streaming imagery) versus material that shows your face. Know what I mean?

And yes, today your man may profess that he is in love with you like no other – that you are “the one”. I can even imagine him pulling out his smart-phone, waving it around in the air with an alluring smile saying, “Come on – let’s do it!” And you, being very much in love and wanting to please him, feeling excited and nervous about his request at the same time.

Sound familiar? That kind of thing has happened to me and others I know.

Which leads us to a story about a friend of mine who was in almost the same predicament as you, save a few details.

Ben (my friend) was in a relationship of 2-years with a guy named Nick. The two got along swimmingly and everyone thought they would eventually get married.

Except that’s not what happened. Instead, Nick decided to step out and cheat on his boyfriend – having an affair with someone he met at the gym.

When Ben found out, he became infuriated. Filled with the sting of pain, he decided to go snooping through his man’s phone. He stumbled across several videos of Nick messing around with that gym-bunny. Nothing serious – but certainly not of the G-rated variety.

Angry and heartbroken, he decided to send those videos out to several of Nick’s friends. “Look what I caught my boyfriend doing!” he wrote in the messages.

Minutes after sharing the material, Ben immediately regretted it. The problem was that it was too late. The vids were being passed around by friends – over and over – moving from one person to the next like wildfire.

Unfortunately, they also ended up on a public website. Eventually, they were removed but it didn’t happen overnight and lots of people saw them.

And in case you are wondering, yes, they broke up. But that’s not the point. Instead, it’s to demonstrate how something like this can happen. It’s called the law of unintended consequences.

Your boyfriend may even be saying something to you now like, “Hey, let’s shoot the video, we’ll watch it and then delete the sh– when we are done.”

If that’s the case, all I can tell you is listen to your inner voice. Just like people write things to be read, folks make recordings to be watched. And in my experience, when a guy wants to take a video of you, there’s a very good chance he’s done it before with others. Catch my drift?

Let’s be real – with today’s technology, nothing is ever really deleted. A case in point can be seen in Tom Daley; the Olympian who discovered several compromising photos of himself had somehow mysteriously “resurfaced” on the web from the past.

Your boyfriend is probably super into you. No doubt the two of you are super sexy. What couple wouldn’t want to memorialize fun times happening in the here and now for future viewing?

I’m not here to parent you NS. We all have choices in life. This could be something that the both of you truly enjoy.

But I have a few questions I’ll leave you with. What if in a year from now or three years from now, the two of you are no longer together? What if you are at a different place in life?

Do you really want that kind of imagery floating around out there – at least potentially?

Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Gay Dating Coach at: [email protected]

About Jack

Jack is a wise but mysterious figure whose exact whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he's really, really good at gay dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a stick at, and he’s here to help other gay men step up their game.