I’m not really attracted to the guy I’m dating
I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and it’s going super well, but, uh, he’s kind of ugly. Well, maybe not ugly but not as hot as some of the other men I’ve dated. Personality-wise, he’s someone I see myself being with for the long-term but he’s also on the chubby side, which is a turnoff.
I can’t help but wonder if I should break up with him, and find somebody else? I’m so conflicted and not sure what to do. Ending the relationship seems wrong, but staying with him seems like a complete lie.
I know this sounds narcissistic but most guys would describe me as hot. Any advice?
-Feeling Fake Frank
Hi Feeling Fake,
Thank you for having the courage to write me about this issue and I bet you aren’t the only person struggling with such a dilemma.
Our culture is such that people judge others harshly for being honest about physical beauty and its role in relationships. Personally, I think your concerns are valid. If you get nasty comments as a result of your email, know that I don’t support them.
Here is the deal. We live in a time where we get a really unworkable, contradictory set of messages about attractiveness. On the one hand, we’re immersed in fables that tell us that we should look past physical beauty: Beauty and the Beast, the tale of the Ugly Duckling, and so on.
We’re told that the spirit and the body are two different things, and that the former is much more important [what’s inside is what counts].
But on the flipside – in both the gay and straight worlds – we’re constantly blasted with an incredible number of images of hot, Adonis like men in different formats: blogs, adult video, Instagram, whatever. I think you get what I’m talking about.
And the reality is, of course, is that most of us are somewhere in between these two poles. Looks and personality are not totally unrelated — they influence each other. And they both matter a lot. Only you, finally, can decide how much.
Now, if you’re not attracted to this man at all, you should end the relationship today. It doesn’t matter if you’re an incredible fit personality-wise.
Both of you will become super unhappy if your cock is not feeling it. If you feel bad for being a shallow pig, it might help you to remember that we’re all shallow pigs.
Better to be honest now than to dishonestly breadcrumb the relationship that just won’t work, wasting everyone’s time.
But that’s not what I’m hearing. What I’m hearing is that he’s well, somewhat attractive enough for you. When you’re in bed, everything goes ok, but you’re not always completely enticed by his body in the mornings. He’s got a few lovely angles but also a few curves. Rather than being totally hot, he’s cute enough.
Which is tolerable for you most of the time. But there’s this gnawing feeling deep down, like you think you deserve a total stud and you’re going to die unhappy if you aren’t dating one.
Or like you don’t totally enjoy showing him off — we all know that proudly displaying our mate is a great feeling. You’ve also dated hotter men, and you know that there’s a certain testosterone tug that just isn’t there in this relationship, nice as it is.
It’s a difficult situation. There is no clear path here. And if you’re really unhappy, I wouldn’t blame you for ending things. But you shouldn’t make this decision quickly. Think about it. Specifically, give thought to the transitory, troublesome nature of hotness.
Given that you’ve dated hot guys before, you might have noticed something: really attractive men tend to have weird personalities. It’s not their fault. The lives of studly men are filled with psychological nonsense. People can’t act normal around them — from spouting off stupid nonsense to walking into stationary objects while staring at them. Ever see that? Moreover, because everyone lavishes praise on their beauty all the time, it can become hard for them to remember if they have any other worth as a human. Be sure to read this post on the struggles of gay dating when you are super-hot.
But here’s the ugly (no pun intended) truth: Looks fade, at some point. We’re all just kind of expiring forever. Some of us age more gracefully than others, but nobody remains at that wonderful peak you hit in your early twenties.
Maybe your style gets better, but your body doesn’t. Unless you live at the gym 7-days a week and frequent your Botox doctor quarterly.
So, you’re just going to have to get used to that, or else have an endless string of shallow relationships with younger guys until you’re too old to do that, at which point you’ll end up completely alone.
To sum it up, looks can be problematic, and they’re not forever. Again, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make relationship choices based on physical attractiveness.
Just make that decision an informed one. Unlike, say, the decision I made with Nick, a guy I met in college. He was an amazing human being. Warm, funny, honest, empathetic, enthusiastic. Everything you’d want as a lover. The man who embraces both your confidence and your vulnerability. A keeper, as they say.
Everything we did together was fun. Fights were rare, and when they happened, they were civilly conducted, and over in half an hour. At 23, I had a pretty perfect gay relationship.
But Nick just didn’t quite have the kind of body I thought I deserved, y’know? He wasn’t ugly, but he was a little farther from my ideal. And it didn’t bother me all the time. Here and there, though, I’d be staring at some hot guy in one of my classes, wondering what life might be life with someone different.
One day, I woke up and decided to dump Nick, kind of out of nowhere. Being the quality person he was, he accepted my B.S., non-explanation, and took it in a mature way. And I went and dated someone hotter.
Who made me extremely miserable.
As did the next man I ended up with. And the next. Eventually, I tried to rekindle things with Nick — but he wasn’t single anymore.
Why would he be? The guy was great. Meanwhile, I had learned a hard lesson: real compatibility goes beyond a perfect body, a six-pack, or d*** size. Just food for thought.
Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Gay Dating Coach at: [email protected]