Should I Stop Hooking Up with My Straight Friend?

hot guy on couch

The not so hot part about sleeping with a straight guy when you are gay.

The Dilemma

This past fall, I started hooking up with a guy who identifies as “straight”. We were both doing 420 in his dorm, making small talk and flipping through the [TV] channels. To make a long story short, we ended up messing around. Well, to be exact, I ended up giving him head.

Since that time, we’ve hooked up at least half a dozen times. Our sessions are always the same – he fires one up and I service him. After he nuts, it gets weird and I leave.

The last time we did it, I asked if he was open to doing something more. You know – like giving me a BJ. His response was absolute and concrete: “No – I’m not gay.”

At this point, I’m conflicted. I like doing this guy. He’s my type in so many ways! But I am also feeling unfulfilled. He knows full-well that I am gay, too. Should I stop getting with him? Any advice here?

-Feeling stupid

The Solution

Hi, FS,

Let me start out by saying that you aren’t the first gay man to experience this kind of issue. In fact, I can imagine there are many readers who can relate – at least on some level – to what you have shared.

I’ll first answer your question directly: Yes, you should stop servicing him. Immediately.

This may not be what you want to hear or expected. But you’ve sent this note to “Ask Jack” because you want a direct answer and so that’s what I am doing.

There’s no doubt in my mind that the guy you are getting with is amazingly hot. In fact, I am willing to be that he’s the type of man a lot of us gay men fall for – “jock-like”, rugged, and hung.

OK, maybe I am projecting my own stuff here but I think you get my drift. The point is the current dynamic is lopsided, meaning you are doing all the work while he sits back and enjoys.

For some people, this kind of arrangement works well. Both people are getting their needs met and it works out great. But if one party wants more (and you do) it can really stink.

And let’s get granular here. By “more”, you mean having him give you oral. While you didn’t say it, I suspect you would also like other things to happen, like kissing and (maybe) top/bottom stuff.

In reading this, does that make sense?

Assuming that it does, we already know that he’s never going to do it. How? Because he out and out told you that he considers anything else “gay”.

I could go on forever and a day about why his response is a bunch of BS and how he’s already channeled his inner-Dorothy when he unzipped his jeans for you.

But at the end of the day, he’s got it in his head that he is “straight” and that your blowing him “doesn’t count”. Oh man, if I had a dime for every so-called heterosexual man who subscribed to this line of thinking, I’d be rich.

But I digress.

The other reason you don’t want to continue playing his game is simple – eventually, you are going to get hurt. There are lots of different ways this can happen.

The most likely scenario is that he’ll continue to make it a one-way street. And you, not getting anything back, will grow more resentful. In turn, this will cause an argument, which will end the friendship.

Another scenario involves you developing feelings for him. If that happens, you are in for an ugly ride. Think about it for a moment. If he’s only ok with you bro-jobbing him (and nothing else) how is he going to handle it when you want him to emote back? [hint – he wont’t be able to deal with it].

This is the problem with so many of us gay guys. We get all enamored by straight dudes and the idea of getting them off. But we never stop to think about our needs in the process. It’s always about their wants, their desires, and their rules.

And we wonder why so many of us have screwed up ideas about healthy relationships with other men?

Hey, I’m not saying hooking up with a breeder is a bad thing. It’s not. But let’s not pretend they are really “straight” either. Instead, a lot of them are opportunistic closet cases looking to get their rocks off.

FS, I feel for you. Really, I do. For what it is worth, I have already been where you are right now. Unless you are 100% OK with going by his rulebook, I’d move on to gayer pastures.

Maybe in the future, he will have an epiphany and want to try something more. Until that happens, don’t put yourself in a situation where you end up feeling used. My sense is that’s not what you want – or deserve.

My friend, you are so much more than just a warm mouth for him to make a deposit. As an aside, is he capable of experiencing oral from you without the 420? Just curious. If the answer is no, that speaks volumes.

Need some dating help? Email Jack, the Gay Dating Coach at: [email protected]

About Jack

Jack is a wise but mysterious figure whose exact whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he's really, really good at gay dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a stick at, and he’s here to help other gay men step up their game.