If you want sexy time more than him.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you already know there comes a point when one person craves sexy time more than the other.
When this happens, it’s easy to jump to conclusions. I’ve certainly been there. But the simple truth is not everyone has the same sex drive.
Some guys can go at it several times a day. Other men are more of the twice-a-week type. There’s actually a name for this dynamic sexual desire disparity (Alman, 2011).
Regardless of the situation, it’s important to realize most of us operate at different speeds. If you are in a relationship with a man where you want more sex than he does, consider the following seven tips.
1. Assess X-Variables
Comparing your level of horniness to that of your boyfriend’s can lead to problems. This point is particularly true if you aren’t factoring in certain issues.
Here are some things to ask yourself:
- Is he on any new medications?
- Does he take an anti-depressant?
- Does he drink or use other substances?
- Do the both of you work different hours?
- Does he have a different body clock than you?
For these reasons (and many more), there could be other factors contributing to his low libido. If the two of you are close, why not talk about it?
2. Talk about needs
One very real reason your man’s sex drive may seem lower than yours could be emotional. In other words, some men need to connect emotionally before jumping into the sack.
Here are a few self-questions:
- Do you know what his emotional needs are?
- Are you aware of his sexual needs?
- Does he know what turns you on? If not, why?
- When you connect, is it more of an emotional experience or sexual?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, it’s a strong indication the two of you should chat. What if your man doesn’t understand how to please you and is embarrassed? Just food for thought.
3. Try kissing and soft touching
As males, we tend to be a physical group. This harkens back our early beginnings (see caveman post). For many of us, our automatic default is to get right down to business (if you get my drift).
Sadly, what gets lost in the equation is intimacy. The way to know you’ve lost your way in this area is by reflecting upon this question:
When is the last time you both kissed?
Not a peck on the cheek. Not a quick smooch. I’m talking about the type of kiss that goes right down to your bones.
If you can’t recall the last time this happened, consider it a karmic prompt to get back to the basics and create awareness around each other’s bodies.
Think soft touching, caressing, holding and spooning. You’ll know things are solid when you can intuit deep inside he’s in love with you. See link below.
4. How do you define sex?
How you do define sex? How about your boyfriend? Believe it or not, we don’t all share the same definitions.
Here’s what I know – sex, at its core, is in the mind. Moreover, it involves much more than touching genitals.
Now might be an appropriate time to re-think your definitions Make sense?
5. You’ve got to initiate
Is the norm in your relationship such that you wait until your guy initiates? When he doesn’t, do you scratch your head and get confused.
If so, you wouldn’t be alone. Many couples have a dynamic where one guy is more assertive than the other. Here’s the problem. Over course of time, a case of the “same old, same old” sets in. In turn, this can lead to serious boredom.
Sometimes, you must initiate.
The worst that can happen is he’ll say no. Should this occur, look at it as an opportunity for discussion and exploration.
As a man who considers himself a dominant top, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I can’t believe I’m sharing but here it goes.
Sometimes, aggressive types like when you initiate. It can be a huge turn on!
Just food for thought.
If your man isn’t in the mood and you are, why not ask him to hold you while you pleasure yourself? There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, you may find it a huge turn on.
Other options include the use of toys with him present. Remember, the goal is to pleasure yourself and not manipulate him when he isn’t in the mood.
7. Think about counseling
If the two of you have arrived at a place where you simply aren’t having sex at all, it may be time to consider counseling. Here’s what I know – at some point, most relationships find that their sexy time dwindles as time marches on.
In gay relationships and straight, there can even be a point where two people don’t have sex at all – ever.
Rather than blaming one another and casting blame, it may make sense to work with a professional. This can help you both better understand the fundamentals of your relationship.
Additionally, you can also explore agreed upon ways of getting personal needs met.
Alman, I. (2011, February 11). Sexual desire desparity. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sociability/201102/sexual-desire-disparity-when-one-wants-the-other-doesnt