Watching him with another guy was the only way I could work through my crap
By: Simon on the East Coast
I used to be that jealous boyfriend. The one whose blood would boil if my boyfriend so much as looked at another guy. Only, I never yelled or caused a scene. I never wanted to admit to myself and to my partner how jealous I truly was.
But let’s be real for a second. He clearly knew. He could read me like a book.
I’ve done plenty of five rosy palming it watching video of other men, and screw it, I’ll admit it, I sometimes think of other guys during our sexy time.
Still, that didn’t mean I wanted to break up with or cheat on him. I really, really cared for him, and wanted to be committed.
I just knew (and still know) that my attraction to other guys doesn’t disappear the moment I’m in a monogamous relationship. I’m still human. I still like men.
So I never raised my voice. Instead, I came off as this petty, insecure, and needy boyfriend. Constantly needing reassurance. Constantly needing him to tell me that he likes me and wants to keep dating me. Frankly, it was pretty pathetic.
I remember talking to my (straight) brother about this during one of our annual trips together. Not being a jealous person, he literally could not comprehend what I was getting so worked up about.
He said, “I’ve seen you two together. He clearly loves you and would do anything for you. Why do you get all upset?”
I didn’t reply. ‘Cause truthfully, I had not idea what the hell my problem was. “What you need to do,” he continued, “is watch him plow another dude.”
“Niko,” I said, “I’m not going to do that. I’m obviously not going to do that.” I did my best to control my anger at such a seemingly stupid comment, but my frustration was seeping through in my tone.
“Why not?” he said, aware that he was egging me on.
I had no valid reason to say why not. Yes, I could have countered with the whole monogamy spiel, but my brother and I both don’t care about “traditional” relationships. So he would see right through my BS if I played that card. Instead, I said, exasperated, “Because it just wouldn’t work. Okay?”
That’s when he backed off, knowing he struck a chord.
Cut to seven months later.
The guy I was dating and I broke up and I’m just slutting it around the town. Every guy I try to keep as casual partners keeps wanting to be monogamous. I, on the other hand, just want to keep playing the field. I had been committed for a year, and needed to get all this pent up sexual energy out of my system before settling down again.
That’s when I met this guy who was dating a bunch of other people (and actually married to one). We started dating, me knowing that there was no way it could get serious.
Of course, it got serious, but because we went into the relationship dating another people, and were happy, we continued dating other people during our relationship.
Shockingly, being in an open/polyamorous relationship alleviated pretty much all my jealousy issues. It’s like that green-eyed monster living inside of me died overnight.
I also ended up watching him have sex with someone else. I’ve now probably watched him get off with with dozens of other folks. And I really didn’t (and still don’t) care at all. In fact, it’s actually pretty hot.
Too keep it real – sometimes, I even join.
My brother was right, because in seeing him sleep with other folks, it didn’t change how he felt about me. It was just sex. And now, I knew he liked me for MORE than just that.
I’ve had plenty of guys date me for that reason alone, and when I finally realize they’re just using me for sex and nothing more, it’s a pretty crummy feeling, especially when I like them.
But I know the reason he hangs out with me isn’t because he’s forced to. It’s not because he can only have sex with me. It’s because he enjoys chilling with me. It’s because he loves me.
Last night the two us lied in bed naked. Me on Grindr, and he on the Scruff, trying to find random app boys to do. That’s where we are in our relationship now, and let me say, it’s a whole lot better than being a jealous, insecure mess.
So the best advice I can give to jealous boys at there? Watch your man plow another dude.
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